Thoughts on Negativity

Dear Dad,

Thank you for this article, For the New Year Say No to Negativity By John Tierney and Roy F. Baumeister

https://www.wsj.com/articles/for-the-new-year-say-no-to-negativity-11577464413

I found it quite interesting and have shared it with a few clients already.

Specifically, I liked "Post-traumatic stress disorder became common knowledge but not the concept of post-traumatic growth, which is actually far more common. Most people who undergo trauma ultimately feel that the experience has made them a stronger and better person." I feel that often my clients are pretty invested in being a victim, and part of my job is to get them to be invested in being a hero instead - ie, change the script, heal and deal, recognize the lesson in the trauma and then move on.

I disagree with "A single bad event can produce lifelong trauma, but there is no psychological term for the opposite of trauma because no good event has such a lasting impact." I would say that going to Wesleyan was not just a good event, but has still a lasting impact on my life. Interestingly,  I wanted to go to Georgetown but didn't get in, despite this being a "certain win" from the college counselor. I randomly had applied to Wesleyan which was "out of my league" again according to the counselor, but I had visited with Diana the year before and decided to apply as my long shot. 

I am thankful and aware of this good, and of the very good advice you gave me when I got divorced - always be invested in Amber's education. From early childcare doing Montessori the first seven years, Charter schools during junior/high school, to her graduating from UOP, I feel I totally see the good in these decisions and the lasting impact on Amber as well as my life. 

This paragraph is great -"Politicians and journalists tap into primal emotions by hyping threats from nature, technology, foreigners, political opponents—whatever will instantly trigger the brain’s alarm circuits. The presidency of Donald Trump has been a ratings bonanza because it has brought out the worst on both sides. Rarely a week goes by without some new warning that civilization is doomed." 

"The Rule of Four: It takes four good things to overcome one bad thing" was interesting. Certainly one of the strengths in Chip and my marriage is that we are constantly kind, considerate, polite, and supportive. We often talk about "the past" and how amazing our journey has been, as well as reiterate good experiences, mainly traveling together. "Engaging in nostalgia was long considered a sign of depression, but experimenters have repeatedly found it’s a tool not just for appreciating the past but also for brightening both the present and the future. One reason that happiness increases beyond middle age is that older people spend more time savoring good memories instead of obsessing about today’s worries."

Pretty much the only thing we fight about is our kids - which is why prenuptial agreements are our friend (another good piece of advice you gave me before getting married, with a lifetime positive impact). Anyway, besides for having a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, we've also been practicing a technique I adapted from a compassionate communication workshop called CAMRA - we each take turns to say 3 Celebrations, 3 Appreciations, 3 Mournings, # Reassurances, and 3 Action steps. One of my clients calls this "the shit sandwich - put the negative between slices of positive". However, it works because when we start with the celebrations and appreciations, the brain releases the feel-good neurotransmitters (serotonin, endorphins, dopamine). This makes it easier to hear the mournings, which tend to release the fight or flight hormones (adrenaline, testosterone, cortisol). There is an implicit agreement that as we listen to each other, it is not up to us to fix anything. This goes into reassurances, again it's not up to the partner to provide, just to listen. Last is action steps, which implies personal responsibility and the opportunity to stop focusing on the problems (negative) but the solutions (positive). It also has the 1:4 ratio, I notice.

I liked this - "Of all of Mark Twain’s aphorisms, the one with the most empirical support is a bit of wisdom from the title character of Pudd’nhead Wilson: “To get the full value of a joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.” Psychologists call it capitalization and have found that sharing good news is one of the most effective ways to become happier—but only if the other person responds enthusiastically, so make sure you rejoice in your friend’s good fortune (or at least fake it). Sharing good news makes the triumph more significant, so it’s more likely to be recalled later, which is another proven way to boost happiness." This is why I try to post something positive every day on my social media, rather than repeating bad news.

So, there are some thoughts. I hope it has a positive impact on your lawn bowling, just as you have made a long term positive impact in my life.

I love you, Dad,

Warmly,

Kayla

Tips for Positive Transformation

• Drink water: no ice – you’ll drink more; same with using a straw. When you urinate, consciously let go of whatever has been pissing you off lately. Same when you defecate – say out loud, “I now release all this old crap.” Notice that as you release the accumulated emotional and physical toxins, the sense of well being and serenity that permeates your body.

   • Breathe: take in what you need, and let go of what no longer serves you. Take deeper and deeper breaths until you feel the richness in your veins. Laughter is the best medicine – Breathe into your Buddha belly and feel a big belly laugh whenever you want to feel high.

• Purify: hot showers, hot baths, hot tubs saunas: release toxins naturally and effectively. Transmute old poisons, shed your skin, wash away the past to feel cleansed and renewed. Neti pots cleanse the sinuses & clear the head of congested thoughts.

• Cry: with a friend, a counselor, your favorite pet, a sappy movie, or yourself. Release grief, disappointment, guilt, heart break, frustration and the chemical compounds found only in emotional tears.

• Combine modalities: Chiropractic, acupuncture, traditional therapy, Reiki, nutrition and massage support the mind-body connection made during hypnosis. Ask for personal recommendations.

   • Meditate: Start your day by simply stating your intentions, take a moment to visualize them as if they have already occurred, feel that in your body, and breathe it into every cell of your being. To further amplify this frequency, write in your journal, speak your truth, or better yet, sing your truth. Attract what you need in order to grow.

    • Love your body: Feed yourself good, yummy foods that you truly enjoy to nourish your whole being; play with your body, dance, do yoga, go roller skating, get an exercise ball, stretch. Get rid of your scale – you’ll be surprised how much happier you’ll feel.

   • Sleep: as much as you want to. Take naps. Remember your dreams. Your mind and body are doing the repair work. This is where deep healing occurs. Allow yourself to go to bed when you want to, and to wake up when you want to. Get rid of your alarm clock – you’ll be surprised how easily you wake up when you need to, feeling rejuvenated, relaxed and refreshed, ready for a new day.

• Laugh: all the way to the bank, in your car, during dinner. make people wonder what you are up to. Smile at strangers. Make eye contact. Make “I contact”.

• Have fun!

copyright kayla g. rose 2008, 2012

Thoughts on Change

I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in 10 years in a coffee shop. "Wow!" she said, "You look so different!" I thought to myself, "Thank goodness" since ten years ago I was incredibly unhappy, dissatisfied and depressed.

I realize that change scares some people, especially if it challenges their notions of what should be constant. Even in Santa Cruz, where many perceive both sexuality and gender as being fluid, any transitions are met with suspicion and the attitude that somehow you have betrayed the community.

I still get asked the question, "But Kayla, how do you identify?" Truthfully, I identify as a Libra and a healer rather than trying to define my self by the person I am sleeping with or the length of my hair. And guess what, I am happy, satisfied and enjoying my life now more than ever. Label spices, not people.

If you are struggling with change or the acceptance for your changes, give me a call for some hypnotherapy to set up internal resources, release fears, and invite your glorious being to continue to unfold and evolve!

Warmly,

Kayla

Dr. Kayla Garnet Rose, PhD, CHT

www.KaylaGarnetRose.com
(831) 435-5182