What have I learned to be thankful for that I used to take for granted

I have learned to be thankful for my health. Turning 45 last year I am so much more aware of my body's shifts and changes, from creaky joints to night sweats, the sudden appearance of a pudgy belly. I used to take for granted that I would always be small, petite and slender, and it has been a shock to gain 20 pounds over the last year, to feel my feet aching every day, to feel a struggle in my habits.

I am thankful that I am on no medications besides for my inhaler, even my asthma having been vastly improved since putting in the hard wood floors and addressing my gerd, changing my diet so as not to experience acid reflux. Having the new cat has definitely exacerbated my allergies, and I am grateful to acupuncture and homeopathic remedies for giving me relief while my immune system changes.

I appreciate walking more, especially after I quit Zumba, which just started feeling too hard on my body, although I do miss the endorphin rush after each class. I used to take my digestion for granted, and now need to be so much more conscious of consuming fried foods versus salads, of eating breakfast and more protein instead of carbs.

I used to think that I could do anything, climbing up and down ladders, cleaning the windows of the house, having tons of energy. I notice where I am slowing down, being more conscious, more aware that a fall could mean a broken bone, a broken neck. I am grateful to have the income to start outsourcing these needs, paying the roofer and hiring a window cleaner, thinking about a gardener to help with the maintenance, leaving me free for more creativity.

Blessed be.

Sunday morning at the retreat

There is a smell of cinnamon in the kitchen, sleepy silent retreat participants wandering in for their first cup of coffee, I can see the dawn kissing the hills in the distance and I am grateful for a good nights sleep.

I dreamt I was ice skating with Mom, aware that boots needed to be tighter, enjoying the powerful glides as my legs crossed over, the satisfying bite on the ice.

I miss the cats and send them reikitty energy along with my other morning prayers, to Amber, to Scott and Lisa, my parents, Chip. I'm looking forward to reading my book later, no longer feeling pressured to get anything else done, I feel pleasantly relaxed and present.

Two people were meditating in the writing room this morning, as I slipped in to use the adjoining bathroom. I think about Lisa and Henry over in Thailand, what it is to meditate together, sharing energy and breath, sharing silence and stillness. I am grateful for this time to allow Chip and I do develop more comfortable silences, enjoy the quiet times, to sit with full awareness of the pulse of his hand in mine, the ways that whispers work and the beauty of maintaining eye contact.

Blessed be.

What might I have to give up to live with a grateful heart?

Sometimes it's a scratch
That I feel like itching
But I'm willing right now
To give up all my bitching

It might even
Be easier than I think
To really let go of
All the dishes in the sink

All day long
I fuss and I futter
I'm ready to give up
My emotional clutter

Ready to let go
Of my ideas of perfection
Ready to change
My personal reflection

I might have to
Give up complaining
And actually enjoy it
When it is raining

Feel my strength
Instead of groaning
Exercise my choices
Instead of moaning

Start responding
Instead of being reactive
Give up laziness
Instead being proactive

This is only a beginning
But it's a good start
Letting go of my ego
To live with a grateful heart

Blessed be.

Something I am struggling with

Time. I struggle with time. I have never been too interested in making money, but I am incredibly interested in making time - for myself, for my child, and in particular for my lover.

Even getting ready for this weekend, I so wanted to somehow get more done, in particular I wanted to wash my car. I let it go with a sigh as I realized it was more important to tie up some loose ends with clients, clear my desk and my mind for the retreat ahead, and that the dirt could wait.

Still, after dropping Amber off at school I took a few minutes to wipe down the interior, sweep the crumbs off the seats, and shake out the mats. I wanted the car to be pleasant for Chip as we wound our way up to this northern sea shore. I wanted it to be pleasant for me as well.

After picking Chip up at his Mountain View office, he asked me about my morning, and I rattled off all I had accomplished, from cleaning the house and packing  to dying my hair. I don't give myself enough credit for I do. I have been aware lately of going and sitting on the deck, closing my eyes in the sun, and just enjoying the garden, rather than working in it. The weeds aren't going anywhere, and the truth is the larger they are the easier to pull.

When homeless folks ask me for spare change, I always want to ask them for some spare time. After all, they're just lounging around all day, don't seem to have anything to do but panhandle, can't they give me some of that?

I find myself struggling to incorporate Chip into my life. Yes, we have good times together, incredibly happy, but I always worry that I am somehow falling behind in other areas of my life. After being single for seven years I became used to filling up my evenings and weekends with work, work and more work, and I feel challenged to relax, let go, and simply play, to simply enjoy our time together for what it is - precious, sweet and precious.

I love spending time by myself, and feel challenged to create this as we merge our lives together. I love spending time with amber, but usually it is doing homework as we don't have weekends together, and she is of the age where she is embarrassed by me in public places. I struggle to find the balance between me time, us time, family time, client time.

This is an opportunity for gratitude when I recognize that Chip is not taking anything away from me, but indeed adding to my life, adding to my joy and happiness, giving me the strength and rejuvenation I need for the rest of the week.

It is an opportunity to enjoy the time with amber, who will be leaving for college in a few short years, and to savor our connection, even if it's just watching a tv show together.

 It is an opportunity to have gratitude for being self employed, the ability to set my own schedule, decide which office to work out of, and when I want to work on my business not just at my business.

 And it is an opportunity to be grateful for my meditation practice, which was hugely important as I moved through sorrow and grief, and now has the ability to slow down time for me, help me relax and breathe into the moment, and that five minutes by myself can be as refreshing as five hours.

I am reminded of the quote, "There is plenty of time, and every moment counts" as well as my own affirmation that I have plenty to do, and all the time in the world to do it. I am grateful for my ability to prioritize and to be more flexible.

Blessed be.

Come, Be Plain With Me

I complain about this
I complain about that
Weeds in the garden
Hair from the cat

Being really busy
Always on the go
Too many clients
As well as the no shows

I'm looking for attention
Needing validation
Trying to vent
All my frustration

Sometimes I know
I'm just Exaggerating
Sometimes it feels
Just Complicating

Complaining serves no purpose
As far as I can see
I'd rather speak my truth
Kind and gently

Rather than complaining,
I would like it to be
Changing the words to
Come, be plain with me

Let me be plain
Transparent with you
Honor your truth
Let us see this through

Being authentic
Acting compassionately
Actively listening
Come, be plain with me

Come, be plain with me...
Blessed be.

Thoughts on Complaining

What makes me susceptible to complaining?

Other people complaining and my need to validate their experience leads me to find all the negative tidbits that I have been secretely saving for a bitch session.

What do I really want when I complain?
I really want validation, I want to vent, to release steam like a volcano. I want attention, the tantrum that Carolina described.

What do I generally get in response to complaining?
I get advice I most likely won't take, suggestions that I have thought of myself but have somehow already rejected.

I complain about my mom's complaining.

I complain about Chips lateness without being grateful for the fact that he drives a couple of hours just to spend time with me. My complaining serves no purpose, changes nothing in his behavior, and it can only serve to move me into acceptance, that people have different senses of time, and that we are always synchronized when do connect, not on my agenda, not on his, but on our particular intention to share our lives together.

I complain about Ambers rejection out of fear and a need to assert myself as her parent, my insecurity of not being taken seriously or seen as her real parent as I didn't birth her.

I complain about the house because I feel overwhelmed. What I really want is help. What I need is the acceptance that there will always be something to do, the moment the laundry is done the next load is being made, to enjoy my garden rather than noticing the weeds.

I complain about my website clients because I feel stressed out and unappreciated, I complain about the hours worked but it is my fault for not billing like a lawyer, each email, each conversation.

I complain about not getting paid yet I continue to work with unreliable clients, somehow thinking it's better than nothing.

I want to changemy complaining to:
Come, be plain with me...

What allows me to feel more gratitude

I am more open to gratitude when I appreciate myself, rather than looking to others to feel validated or secure. I notice appreciating the hot water in the shower, the modern miracle of plumbing, the way the conditioner leaves my hair feeling like silk, the chance to shed the past as it swirls down the drain.

Taking the time each morning to do the simple act of pulling a tarot card, centering myself for a few minutes or an hour, depending on the demands of the day, leaves me feeling in a state of grace that gives me the strength and patience needed to drive in traffic, be kind to a client, negotiate with a teenager.

Reiki has certainly helped stay in a humbled state of deep gratitude, whether praying over my food or touching the feet of my client. In my sessions I go down on my knees, sending the energy through their body, but I visualize I am washing their feet with my hair, anointed them with holy oils, removing the thorns and nails, kissing the wounds until they are healed. Every one of my clients comes to me as a teacher, and in the silent moments I reflect upon the lesson be brought to me today, and I am always surprised when they hand me a check at the end of the session. No, I want to say, I should be paying you...

Learning how to take compliments gracefully, to say thank you genuinely, to send get well cards or simply hold someone in my thoughts, visualizing an infinity loop of energy connecting our hearts, keeps me open to gratitude.

A friend of mine posts her gratitude journal on facebook. This keeps me open, allows me to pause and reflect, to leave inhere comment box my own awareness of personal blessings, of choosing to look at life as positive. It is an antidote to all the postings about illness and war, outrage and despair that cycle across my screen.

Blessed be,