In My Back Yard

This happened in my back yard on Sunday night

Still pondering this one - If this had been a dream, what meaning would it have? What message would I get? Why my house? What could I learn from this? Reminds me of Dog Medicine...

Amazingly, my kid never woke up through this. I tell ya, teenagers & vampires, they sleep like the dead...

Peace

Peace in my heart. Peace of mind. Walking a peace path. Smoking a peace pipe. Peace in my hands. Peace in my home. Peace at my office. Peace officers. Peace in my car. Peace in my bed. Peace with my parents. Peace with my child. Peace with the past. A Peaceful Future. The Present Peace. Peace with God. Peace in the Universe. World Peace. Peaceful sleep. Peaceful dreams. Peace with money. Peace with my body. Visions of peace. Peace talks. Peace walks. Peace with my cats. Peace with dogs. Peace with my neighbors. Peace with our Leaders. Peace with my enemies. Peace with my friends. Peace with my family. Prayers for peace. Poems for peace. Songs for peace. Dances for Peace. Feast for Peace. A Peace Feast. Rest in Peace. Live in Peace. Love in Peace.  Love Peace. Make Love for Peace. Masturbate for Peace. Orgasms for Peace. May you be at Peace. May we share Peace now. Be at Peace. Blog in Peace.

Peace.

Silent Retreat: Day 4

It is a golden moment, late afternoon in late October, listening to the fountain in the rose garden at Mission St. Antonio. I came here to celebrate my 43rd birthday by going on a writer's retreat. To my surprise, it was also a silent retreat. The theme was "cultivating lightheartedness" and in our first meeting we each wrote our intentions down on jaunty yellow paper, to be placed in a basket on the altar. I wrote, "I am here to experience the treat in re-treat". And what a treat it was indeed.

In the tarot, 8 of cups symbolizes a time for emotional withdrawal, a time for retreat. A figure is seen entering a cave to spend some time in reflection. Two of the cups (bonding) has spilled - There is a feeling of bitterness. Six of the cups remain upright (compassion) and through the feelings of sisterly or brotherly love, healing can occur.

When I think of retreat I think of all the ways I take care of myself, rejuvenate myself. Going to the sauna, getting massage, acupuncture and chiropractic care, eating organic. But rarely do I take a weekend off, let alone take vacations.

No cell phone, no internet, no housework, no homework, no cats, no garden, no talking. I have loved the not doing: not making conversation, not processing, not sharing. It has been such a relief to retreat into my on thoughts until they become no thoughts at last.

I'm aware of the element of withdrawal - of drawing into myself, choosing what to share. The way my thoughts would peak and subside, my own obsessive thoughts and addictive emotions, how I have suffered in silence for the past years, not revealing my innermost truths to anyone, not even in some ways to myself. I sat and cried on the bench in the moonlight, then had the hottest, longest shower in years. I gained wisdom in a single instant from one line from a poem, three simple words - "Get over it."

Every moment was golden and delicious, from waking up with the wild turkeys to seeing the tarantula basking in the sun. Deep orange pumpkins lined the adobe hallways, turquoise doors offered privacy, relief, safe haven. On the day they served tuna (which I detest) I just ate potato chips and chocolate cake - Hey, it's my birthday. Indeed, I ate cake everyday, more cake than I have probably eaten in four years.

I made friends with two cats - the only time I broke silence. I figure than since on average I make 80-100 phone calls a week and easily spend half my awake time talking (Sun in the third house), I  probably spend about six hours a day talking, 360 minutes! Here, I've maybe spoken at most for 2 minutes at a time during workshops, maybe 10 minutes all day.

I'm curious as to how I will carry this practice into my daily life over the next few weeks and months. Maybe I'll appreciate being alone more. I notice that lately I don't really like to go out much, and how much I appreciate my quiet housemate. I realize I'm tired on the weekends, and enjoy the silence around the house, notice I'm not playing much music in the car.

I spend the other half of my day listening - to my clients, to my kid, to my inner voices. It's been nice to listen to the fountain, the birds, the murmur of prayers, the scratch of a pen. I've thought about having the kanji tag for silence as a tattoo, but like patience, discover it is something that I already have, deep within me. It's refreshing to not have a explain myself, or to comment on someone else's experiences.

The sun has moved while I have been writing, and I scootch further down the bench - time has passed in a delightful way. Much to my surprise, I have used my laptop only as a clock, choosing to write and sketch in my journals more than type as usual. Of course, then I can sit in the courtyard, rather than isolating myself in my little mission cell.

Our rooms are tiny and I pushed the twin beds together in order to squeeze in a desk and chair. I set a red scarf on the deep windowsill, arranging pomegranates, apples, a banana and some clementines. I hung my blue embroidered bag that holds my tarot cards in place of the wood crucifix, and draped the desk with a deep green shawl covered in blood red roses. My room was simple and complete, tidy and organized, and very, very, pretty.

I slept twelve hours the first night, ten the next. I'd wake before dawn and walk out to greet the sunrise. Interestingly, the soldiers at Fort Hunter Liggett, which surrounds the Mission, were also up, shouting out their marches before the day's artillery practice, which made for an ironic auditory backdrop for a silent retreat.

The bats come out at sunset, swooping through the cloisters to catch the mosquitoes. The two mission cats, both long haired Persians, one jet black, the other with Siamese markings, make friends with each of us, sitting on laps and purring loudly. They are fierce hunters, evidenced by blue jay feathers littering the rose garden paths.

This morning I got up predawn and packed the car in the deep blue shadows. The sun was just barely rising, Venus shining in her brilliance as I walked along the road. I balanced myself on the stones that bordered each side, like any kid would do, reminding my of climbing the cliffs when I went to boarding school in Dover. It took focus and concentration, as the small boulders shifted under my feet. I suddenly heard a yelp, and saw a coyote not far from me. After a few more short yips, it started howling - soon to be joined by not just one or two, but a whole pack. I froze on the road, trying to judge the distance back to the mission, when I spied a small rabbit, also frozen. I noticed it's big ears and wide eyes, at the same time hearing the crunch of footsteps behind me. With that, the coyotes bounded off, leaving me to contemplate my next step in silence...

Peace

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

All is Well

 All is well and shall be well.

If I truly believed this,
the pain in my throat would subside
and I'd stop being afraid
of always being alone
of always living in regret
I'd forgive myself completely
for the harm I've caused others
and myself

I'd stop the doubt and worry
stop putting energy into my fears
remembering abandonments and exiles
betrayals and shame
I'd stop picking at the scabs
so the wounds could heal
completely
my shoulder wouldn't have to ache
I could lay down my burdens
and other people's burdens
and allow my mind
to wander free
completely

If I truly believed
I wouldn't to anything at all
If I truly believed
I wouldn't do anything differently
Except I'd stop struggling upstream
I'd gently float free

Time to start believing.

Did It Speak?

Not in words
Nor in a human voice
There was no tone, no resonance
No vibration on the inner ear
There was no thrumming
Of vocal chords
No whispering
Not even a breath
Of conversation
was heard

But there in the eyes

In the tilt of the neck

In a smile, a frequency received

A vibration of inner knowing

A deeper thrumming

Of heart chords

with every breath

Love spoke

Louder than words

Ways I Play

I play with my body

I play with my hair

I play with my clothes

And buy frilly underwear

Sometimes she's pleasant

Sometimes she's wild

I really love to play

With my inner child

We go to the boardwalk

Where the lights go blinky-blinky

Only once in my life

Did I eat a deep-fried Twinkie

Sometimes I'm alone

Sometimes I'm with a friend

One of the best places to play

Is in my very own garden

In my house, I hang beaded crystals

And softly paint all the walls

I like to play with lots of colors

And create murals in the halls

When thinking upon

The deeper facts

whom I play with the most

Is probably the cats

I have a great housemate

She's full of great cheer

We play dominoes together

While sipping organic beer

I like backgammon and Sorry

Crazy Eights and Pictionary

Scrabble and Othello

But I suck at kareoke

There's seasons of softball

You should see me at the plate

But I really love my Zumba

And of course, to rollerskate

I love to play with my clients

By looking at the stars

I's a different kind of game

Meditating on Tarot cards

I like to play with my lover

And whatever makes us feel sexy

Whether it's leather or lace

Or just sharing a new fantasy

Blogging has become

Quite the occupation

I really seem to enjoy

The virtual in conversation

Poems and pictures

I play with my pencils

Cutting, gluing, pasting

Collaging in my journals

Now sometimes there's days

I don't want to get out of bed

Those are the times

I've been playing with my head

And there's one game

My heart has been hating

Those lessons learned

From online dating

Everyday I play on Facebook

I love my little farm

With it's sheep and trees and fields

And it's own little virtual barn

On full moons I play with the cosmos

She fills me with delights

When I play with my soul

I get filled with insights

While I take myself seriously

I do have to say

I find time in the little things

To always experience some play.