Mermaid Self

Romantic Notions Series
"Mermaid Self"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

Menu

Mourning my past relationships

Is like

Mourning my last meal

I'm hungry

And all I can think about

Is that last dessert

Even though

It gave me

Heart burn

How to turn my thoughts

To what could possibly be

On the next

Menu

Thoughts on Work & Play

Work is love made visible - Anon.

"The best part about being self-employed is you get to choose your OWN eighty hours a week."- Random joke

As I self-employed person, let alone as a single mom, I have to choose between working all the time or playing at my work. I choose play. Everyday I find myself changing my language - I play with my clients, I play on my computer, I play in the garden, I even play house. And yes, I play with money...


Everything in my house is painted - "People with no TV, what should we paint tonight?" From murals on the walls to the glass on the kitchen cabinets, every light fixture to the toilet in the guest bathroom, everything is decorated in one form or another. Gunilla Norris says,

Ah, time to dust again
Time to appreciate by touch
what I love and cherish
The most...

I put glitter on the handle of the feather duster, anoint the scared ostrich feathers (a royal and regal bird) with essential oils, blessing my house as I wave my "fairy duster". All the windows are open, music is on the stereo, the creation of order feels joyous despite routine. This is the everyday work of being a priestess in her temple.

Everything has a sticker on it. I despise brand names and conspire to change my universe to reflect my reality. Even the "anti aging wrinkle cream" becomes "Smooth on Good Boundaries Today" with the help of a decal of Durga and a sharpie. I buy pretty paper to print all my office forms, decorating my checkbook as the Sacred Record Keeper of Perpetual Abundance.

Each day I play on the computer - I create websites, blogs, Tweets and Facebook posts, striving to inspire an unknown audience to hear the cosmic giggles of celestial encouragement pouring down from the stars. It is so different from old school advertising, but this form of using social networks for playful marketing keeps my schedule booked well in advance and makes me happy.

I play with my persona, with my image and my looks, and I encourage others to do likewise. I ran into an old friend who exclaimed, "You look completely different!" Thank gawd, I thought, because you look exactly the same. One of the most important things I do is to give myself permission, to be my authentic self, tattoos and all.

I play with energy - whether doing a tarot reading or an astrology chart, leading a guided meditation or channelling reiki. My business is called Tools for Transformation but really, it could be called Toys for Transformation. I work at playing and play at work, and I feel blessed to practice happiness, to play at being me, every single day.

Blessed be.

Vintage

As I grow older and more mature, 
I appreciate the finer things in life - 

Red wines, aged cheeses, 
Antique candle holders and broken down old barns. 

I savor the time it takes to craft -

  I experience the richness of patience paying off.

While I find my plate is less full, 

My bites somehow smaller, 

My life is bursting with a zest and vitality 

I have never experienced before. 

I welcome new flavors and savor familiar delights

I enjoy sharing my abundant life with friends and family

In the most simplest of ways.

Blessed Be.

Viene Aqui

Come to me

My beautiful unknown

Come to me

And I will feed you

Pomegranate Seeds

I will lay out a picnic

On these golden, grassy hills

And invite you to dine

On apples and clemetines

We'll read to each other

Feeding hearts and minds

We'll be drunk on laughter

But I'm still glad I brought

Apricot wine

Come to me

All that I can not imagine

Come to me, and I will feed you

Pomegranate seeds...

Exercise 3: The Absence of Play

I notice the absence of play when I mourn the past. A deep darkness, slamming my head against the wall. Heavy in my chest and in my bones. Like permanent low blood sugar. Everything is an effort. My throat is tight and sore, my eyes want to cry. I am missing someone, some time when life did feel joyful and fun. The feeling is of no return. The absence of playfulness is somber, mournful and heavy.

I notice it creeping into my consciousness in small, insidious ways. It's my mom's voice, admonishing me to tone down my jewel tones and paint the walls of my house beige in order for it to rent for the most money. It's my dad's voice, telling me to get "a real job", preferably corporate. Become more conservative, take out that nose ring, cover your tattoos. The absence of play is very beige. Or grey. Greige.

It is ugly, plain, boring, humdrum, the taste of metal file cabinets. It's forgetting to make things beautiful as well as functional. It's the feeling of I have to do it all by myself - all the decisions, all the phone calls, all the chores, all the errands. This feels plain ol' tiring.

The absence of play is the absence of joy.

The absence of life.

Onions and Pearls

"Opinions are like onions - The both make weep"- Retreat participant

Those 3 famous words
"In my opinion"
With their weight, authority
Testimonials and reviews

I can be satisfied
With my own opinions
With my body's messages
Of what I truly value
Even cramping right now
Serves a purpose

True serenity comes
After grinding grit against the mother
In my hands
I hold the pearl of wisdom now

Stepping off my pedestal
I let go of self judgement
Moving easily along my path
Discriminating, discerning
Choosing each step carefully
If not fussily

I notice letting go of the opinions
Of plum trees and small violets
Of spotted lillys and green mosses
I even let go of the opinions
Of this particular circle of women
Criticizing my writing now

I write slowly, I read clearly
Raising my shaky voice
To tell the world what I think
In my experience, in my opinion

There will be those who agree with me
And those who don't
Either way -
They'll know their own truths

Longing for acceptance is paradoxical to
Being center of my universe
This ugly ducking
Is ready to be queen of her unnamed pond

There are times I am sweet
And times I am sharp
The Rose
is always protected by the thorns

You might think I'm eclectic
But I am bursting with life
You might think I'm eccentric
But I'm bursting with joy

I soften my sharp tongue
Coat my words with honey
Choose to be engaging
Come be on my team

I pay attention to the details
Loving all my many qualities
I pay attention to myself
This is all I have to do.