Exercise 2: Archiving the Alien

 Part 1: Write down a childhood memory

I am in the 4th or 5th grade, living in Kirchberg, Luxembourg. I am my best friend Vicki's house, and we are having a sleep over. Each of us are in our own seperate twin bed, with the covers over our heads. Our feet are pointed straight up, making a tent with the blanket. We are playing space aliens, and these are our space ships. We are each in our own little tent world, and we excitedly communicate with each other about shooting down UFOs and making spectacular landings. It is so fun to engage our imaginations together. I want to craft a consol for my space craft out of cardboard.

I feel so bonded in the moment to my "American friend", after feeling like such an outcast at the European School. Vicki's mother makes a big deal out of bringing us hot chocolate, but my mom's hot chocolate is better. I am so aware of how old her parent's are - twenty years older than mine. Vicki has a grown up brother that she never sees. I love going to Vicki's house because she has all this "American" stuff like Barbies and Archie comics. She's bored of them, but I am fascinated and want to play dolls all the time, even though I am "too old". Vicki's mom collects porcelain dolls dressed in Victorian clothing that we are not allowed to touch.

 Part 2: How does this memory relate to today?

This childhood memory relates to my feelings of being alien, the foreigner, of feeling alienated from my community over the last few years. It relates to this moment in terms of my searching for true companionship - that feeling of being in collusion with another human being. We are each in our own craft, our own body, but we are communicating, creating a consensus reality. I muse on the words communion, come union, and communication.


It relates to my feelings of looking for acceptance, of where do I fit in, of no longer feeling like the outcast. I relate it to longing for family, for hot chocolate moments and the creating of traditions. It's a longing for belonging.

This memory serves to remind me of the feelings of "here is someone who gets me, who understands me and encourages me, who supports my wild imaginings. Someone who really wants to play with me." It relates to me being open to what new relationships bring - new toys! New games. More fun. The joy of sharing. Indeed, shared beliefs, shared joys, shared laughter.

It relates to my search for a new best friend.

Exercise 1: What was "play" like as a girl?

When I was a girl
I would play
In my imagination
Throughout the whole day

I'd create my own stories
let my mind wander far
Every time we went any where
Especially in the car
When I was a girl
And because I was sick
I had to make things up
Yep, that was the trick

My brother was busy
My dad wad too
my mom was gone
But was I blue?


When I was a girl,
In my hospital bed
Nothing could compare
To what was in my head

Some kids were mean
and didn't want to play
I felt lonely & isolated
Sometimes quite gray

When I was a girl
At times it felt so fake
All that pretense
Was just a big escape

I realize it now
I spent my life in fantasy
Now as an adult
I try to create my reality

When I was a girl
I'd dream day and night
When I was a girl

It's what kept my heart light.

-kgr 2009

Silent Retreat: Day 1

 The quieter you become, the more you can hear. - Baba Ram Dass

Last month I set off on an adventure - a four day writer's retreat, which was also a silent retreat, down at Mission St. Antonio, just south of King City. I left on a Friday after my last client, turning off the radio after Watsonville, setting the proverbial tone for the weekend.

Driving through the golden California hills, here was Steinbeck country - a baking 78 degrees in the valley, cabbages and artichokes filling the fields as I sped down 101. "Bless those hands, bless those backs" I thought, watching the workers, musing on who had picked my food, who had toiled to harvest the grapes so that I could have wine at my table.

I reached my destination after a few short hours, parked the car and meandered off to find my room. After plucking the crucifix from the wall, I made a swift altar to creativity on the windowsill, with various journals, colored pencils, a moon book and a deep red scarf. I added an apple and a pomegranate, invoking the Madonna in my tiny monk's cell.

After unpacking my few belongings, I realized I forgot a few essentials: no jacket, no flash light, and no alarm clock. My cell phone was out of service, so I plugged in my lap top despite no internet access, simply to know the time. Indeed, it was strange not to type all weekend, but to journal by hand instead. I meandered around the Mission, exploring the rose garden, taking note of the warnings for rattle snakes posted in the bathrooms.

We had a delicious dinner, simple and filling, seventeen women in complete silence. The crunch of the fresh bread, the scrape of a chair as someone refilled their ice tea, the dull clink of silverware on the plastic bowls as we polished off the hearty pumpkin soup that had been provided.

Afterward, we had our first workshop, our 3 minutes of speech for the day, briefly introducing ourselves and setting our intentions for the retreat. As we sat and meditated before our first writing exercises, I was aware of the sound of crickets, the rustle of paper, the closing door, a distant bell ringing. The theme for the weekend was "Cultivating Lightheartedness."

Walking back to my room, I had to laugh at myself - the moment I saw a cat I broke silence, calling softly to the long haired Siamese - my first thought was how to get it to sleep with me. Over the next few days we became friends, along with her black haired sister. Fierce hunters, these two, soon bird feathers graced my altar, the sacrificial remains of the day.

I was pleasantly surprised by how much I was already enjoying the silence - I felt a deep peace and stillness, a deep relief at not having to entertain or amuse, to counsel or comment. The relief at just being able to eat without interruption, without conversation. I smiled at everyone, and wonder what brought them here...

There is a voice within, that no one, not even you has ever heard. Give yourself the opportunity of silence and begin to develop your listening in order to hear, deep within yourself, the music of your own spirit. - John O'Donohue

Let Me Be Known

"Your reputation always precedes you" - Chinese proverb

Let me be known as intelligent and creative, brilliant and sparkling, always inspiring. Let my reputation be as a great business woman, a compassionate healer, a knowledgeable teacher, an excellent mother and a renaissance woman.

Let my fame be for being a good listener, the keeper of the tavern, the keeper of confidences. Always the deep reflective mirror, a soothsayer who tells the truth in gentle and kind ways that the truth may be heard and responded to in appropriate ways.

Let my fire bring warmth to those who seek its' comfort and illumination, may none be singed or harmed by my sparks of passions or electrical emotions. But I here Mae West chuckling in my ear: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Let me be seen as authentic and original, beautiful and eclectic, quirky, queer, and quintessentially whole. Let my reputation light my way like a lantern in the dark, contained and self-sustained.

Let me be known for my integrity, my loyalty, my wit and my wonder.

Blessed Be.

Power Prayer

I am a powerful being, no less than god herself.
Let me use my power for good today,
and let all good things come from my being in my power.

I influence my daughter, my clients, my students.
Let me always be conscious and aware,
to be as supportive and encouraging as possible,
demonstrating the tools and modeling the habits
that have helped me on my path.

Let me feel in control -
Of my emotions, my money, my life.
I allow myself order and routine, the creation of systems that work,
and overall improvements in all areas of my life.
I am active in my own evolution.

Let me manage my energies wisely,
and appreciate all my assets
- love, intelligence, health, wealth, and property.

Let me pass the power stick when my turn is done -
I step up to being Leader and I keep the pace as a Follower.
I help others achieve their goals, which helps me achieve mine.

Let me take charge of my life,
holding onto the reins of desire to impel my being forth.
I now use my power to acheive my deepest ambitions and heartfelt goals.
I am empowered by everything today.

Blessed be.

Helpful People Prayer

Thank you, Universe, for showering me with abundant blessings today.

Thank you for all the helpful beings, visible and invisible, animal and human, plant and mineral, angles and messengers who have come into my life to offer guidance, wisdom, nourishment and comfort.

Let me be a helpful person in return, doing whatever I can within my own limitations to facilitate the lives of others. Let me bring ease and insight to those that i meet, and let my impact always be gentle and kind.

I honor Mother Theresa, Oprah Winfrey, Suze Orman and Susie Bright, those who inspire us all, even in the darkest night. I honor my friends and family, colleagues and coworkers, clients and customers fopr all theior support and for allowing me to be supportive in return.

Blessed Be all the Helpful People now.

All Acts of Creation are Acts of Liberation

I create my own reality. I create my joy. I create art. I create my home. I create my business. I create rituals. I create prayers. I create meditations. I create poems. I create stories. I create images. I create ambiance. I create my feelings. I create my stress. I create my release. I create my family. I re-create my childhood. I recreate my health. I recreate my finances. I create good boundaries. I create ease in my life. I create ease in lives of others. I create beauty. I create music. I create healthy meals. I create comfort. I create my garden. I create abundance. I create love. I create peace. I create my positive thinking. I create fun. I recreate play. I create my dance. I create my songs. I create my laughter. I create reasons to roller skate. I create sketches. I create my blog. I create my daydreams. I create my fantasies. I create my relaxation. I create rest. I create a good night's sleep. I create nap times. I create time to read. I create my lists. I create playlists. I create spreadsheets. I create excuses to use glitter...