Seabright Musings

Can’t seem to sleep, can’t seem to eat
Feels like my stomach is tied up in knots
Can’t seem to let go, can’t seem to move on
Wonder what the hell is causing this gut rot?

Classroom head lice, house might have termites,
Only rich in cat hair, pollen and dust bunnies
Can’t seem to get sleep, can’t seem to breathe deep
And now don’t you know, the IRS wants all my money...

It is a sunny spring day in lovely Santa Cruz, and I am sipping a Pelican Ale at the Seabright Brewery, listening to a rather raucous band do poor covers from somewhere half a block away. Apparently it is a benefit for a taxi cab driver who died a few years ago, leaving wife & children, which softens my heart if not my ear drums.
 
I have not been on any of my blogs in what seems like days & days, and I miss my various & sundry audiences. I went to several doctors over the last week after experiencing chest pains, and have been diagnosed with gerd, which is further constricting my breathing, causing asthma, but more importantly, made me feel like I was having a heart attack.

Being sick is stressful, but going to the doctors is too, bringing up childhood memories of constantly being hospitalized, constantly having my mom yell at me to take my medications. I resist western medicine as a result, and instead choose to treat my symptoms with acupuncture, herbs and nutrition.

My next big project will be to rip out all the carpeting in the house & either install wood, cork, bamboo or tile. While the doctor recommends getting rid of the cats, I’d rather cut off my hands. I can compromise by making them live outdoors and getting an air filter, boosting my immune system and receiving NAET.

So I order my Jiggy’s Pub Club on whole wheat and a side salad with no tomatoes. I’m looking at eliminating coffee (gasp!) no more french fries or chips & salsa for me either. Life looks a little bland, but better without the heart burn. Kinda like my love life...

(Time passes) I have now switched to their Lighthouse Amber, half my lunch boxed away for dinner. While the beer has improved, the music has not, and I may need to move locals sooner rather than later. I have been musing on Pan and my path of paganism, spring thaws in Idaho and my daughter’s “first date” yesterday. More to follow...

Thanks to those of you checking in. You know who you are. I do appreciate it.

VI: The Lovers

There are two beings, naked in their splendor. They have traveled far to meet. This is the time, and this is the place. Their paths cross and a third entity - Love - is born. In the distance is a mountain, their toils of the past to get this far. Between them is is river, gently flowing:

I take delight in
The love that is flowing
just like a river
To the strength of the sea...

And I take delight in
The love that is growing
Just like a river
Between you and me...
(Traditional)

There is green earth under them- they are grounded and stable, a solid foundation. They each come with their gifts - One has a fruit tree in full blossom, feeding them both. A snake winds around the trunk, whispering truth in her ear. She looks to the heavens, as she wonders about worlds of possibilities.The other has a burning bush, keeping them both warm. He looks to her as he has single focus.

Above is the sky, where above a cloud bank an angel of peace brings the message of hope, blessing each of them with outstretched hands. The angel's cloak is the blue of the fifth chakra, communication with love and kindness, kind communication with god. It's wings are purple, color of the higher mind, allowing these beings to rise rather than fall in love. At the apex of the triangle, the angel's hair is a halo of fire, radiant thoughts, and behind the angel is god herself, the blossoming sun, illuminating the whole.

The fog is lifting and the clouds of illusion and despair part as the two lovers come together in perfect love and perfect trust. Each has achieved the trinity within, and now make up the VI: The Six. There is the unity of the one, the polarity of the two, the creativity of the three, the stability of four, fives are the experience of change, and sixes signify the resulting growth. This is a mutually beneficial, reciprocal relationship.

The two beings feel illuminated and blessed, and share their joy with friends and family, their community. They balance and harmonize each other, feeling interdependent and symbiotic, being complementary energies, moving through co-operation and compromise to create together what they could not do individually.

And we can make something bigger
Then anyone of us alone
-Ani DiFranco

These are my notes after pulling IV: The Lovers card at Mary K. Greer's workshop on 21 ways To Read a Tarot Card at this year's Pantheacon

Forgiveness

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.- Lewis B. Smedes

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. One dictionary definition I read said that forgiveness is to release someone from the consequences of their actions. I've also heard that true forgiveness is not saying that whatever happened was okay, it’s saying that whatever it was won’t affect you anymore. Certainly the theme that comes up again and again is that forgiveness is ultimately something you do for yourself, not for the other person.

I experienced an act of forgiveness recently. A friend of mine named Mars threw a Blacklight Beatles Bash party for her fabulous fiftieth birthday- a gala affair with a couple of hundred people. Think Burning Man meets the Yellow Submarine in Santa Cruz. Talk about your Octopus’ Garden. Mars & I had not really been in contact since my boifriend and I broke up five years ago, despite having been exceptionally close, both of us having ftm tranny lovers.

As I was getting ready for the eve, I thought about the ways I have felt exiled from this particular tribe, but also about my own self-exile, my own self-punishment for the break up. I have diligently avoided any social event where I thought there might be an iota of a chance of my exs presence, after learning the hard way that I’d throw up every time I saw him. And in a small town with a small community... well, let’s just say this Rapunzel has stayed locked up in her self created tower for some time now.

Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm..

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
-Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter

Since he is a part of my child’s life (he has been her “Uncle” since she was born, from before we dated) I have consciously worked to transform my more bitter feelings to one’s more in alignment with how I feel about my other co-parent, i.e allies. As someone, somewhere, once said regarding the gay community, “An army of ex-lovers cannot fail.” I’d say 90% of hypnosis school was around this wound (the rest being around my mom - you know, if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother...)

Well, after enough visualizations of seeing him would be “like seeing an old friend” all I can say is: hypnosis works. I felt great - no, I felt like a BABE as I entered the party in a dusky gold velvet dress that just clings to my figure. I danced my ass off, drank too much wine, and shmoozed with folks I had not seen in years. In other words, I had a blast.

At some point I went out to give my daughter her cell phone. My ex was sitting at a table and we said hi to each other. His body language was tense, and I wondered what he was thinking. Later I was out gossiping with the local wag who said, “So, I hear you’re dating bio boys now” which goes to prove the fastest way to communicate is not telephone or telegram, but tell-a-queer. I simply responded that I had not dated in almost a year, and left it at that.

I went home earlier rather than later, feeling that "at the heart of the matter" I was finally in that place of being okay, of releasing myself from the past. In the moment I could see how our paths had parted, and I could finally stop beating myself up for not trying harder, for somehow not being "enough". I finally forgave myself.

I cherish several of the other folks that I reconnected with, and I love my friend Mars & look forward to going out dancing with her soon. I was somehow reminded of high school where I realized I was part of no clique but had many individual friends. In this world of a thousand tribes, I recognize that I am still a nomad gypsy marching to my own heartbeat.

Forgiveness does not change the past,
but it does enlarge the future.-Paul Boese

We love a Good Meme

It’s St. Paddy's Day & I'm sitting at the Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery, my new favorite local hangout, which serves not only excellent beer, but also food from Kelly’s Bakery. My life is complete. I sip my Dread Brown between flirting with the regulars and getting up to date on FaceBook. After diligently ploughing & reseeding myFarm (which I am completely obsessed with), I respond to other friend requests and low & behold, yet another meme. But it’s a goodie & worth spreading the love:

My First Album

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Start a new Note, add your cover to the Note as a photo, copy in these rules, and tag a bunch of you friends.

Have fun!

Soul Contracts

I have a client I have been working with for some time now, who is extricating herself from an extremely painful relationship. There is much to the story, of course, including a thirty year history exists between the two, and a teenage child. We discussed the concept of relationship being the greatest teacher, and what (hard) life lessons was she learning with this person. And, more importantly, when would she feel she really had learned those lessons and could karmically graduate?

This made me start thinking about soul contracts. It’s interesting that I was “married” to a woman in a time when gay marriage was illegal and there were no domestic partnerships. As well as writing vows, we went through a series of contracts with a lawyer to establish some of the same benefits & privileges that marriage automatically grants. I’m talking about durable power of attorney for health care, durable power of attorney for finances, wills, living trusts, living together agreements including a pre-nup type agreement, and a parenting agreement. We really had to think things through, especially when we broke up.

I remember sitting at the keyboard typing the words “due to irreconcilable differences” and just losing it. I called my dad who was my biggest source of support at the time, and his wise words, “don’t drag it out”, and the papers were notarized the next day. There’s a lot of talk about gay marriage with Prop 8, but what really needs to be discussed is gay divorce.

While we had planned to go to court for a 2nd parent adoption for our child, we broke up before the process was complete, but we have both stuck to our parenting agreement for over a decade. While I have never been legally acknowledged as my child's parent,( ie no tax benefits, no insurance benefits for her, etc.), certainly I have been the other parent at every PTA meeting, every doctor’s appointment. I have paid for everything out of my own personal sense of ethics and moral obligation.

While it is easy for me to see I have a soul contract with my daughter, it was interesting to review what were my feelings about still having a contract with my ex-spouse, ten years after our divorce. Was there anything I was still hanging onto that makes me emotionally unavailable now? One purpose of the soul contract is for release - conscious and SUBCONSCIOUS release - but that starts with noting what leases (contracts) have I made.

Anyway, I came up with the following soul contracts as an exercise to clarify and create release. Some key questions in writing a soul contract are:

• what are the lessons to be learned
• what price are you willing to pay
• what point will you know that the contract has been fulfilled
• space for amendments - good lourdes, you are human and might change your mind sometime in the future!

I found some parchment paper and thought about using red ink, but there’s only so many contracts I’ll write in blood. I filed my contracts away with other important documents, like my will and house deeds. It will be interesting to see what my client come up with. Meanwhile, here are some of mine as examples:

Soul Contract with My Self

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge that I am a spiritual being currently living in a physical body. In this lifetime, I have a contract with this body to:

• Maintain this physical body to operate at maximum health and well being
• Nurture and develop emotional intelligence
• Feed this mind and intellect, encourage curiosity and be engaged in creative and productive ways
• Encourage my own process as a spiritual being having a human experience on planet earth
• Foster joy, love, light and laughter
• To experience happiness
• To love and cherish my life mate
• To love and cherish my family: my daughter, my parents and brother, my extended network of friends and my many familiars

This contract may be amended to at any time, and will never expire. All former contracts, karmic and otherwise, are hereby dissolved and released. All past debts are hereby considered paid in full. All future contracts will be made if and only if they are in my highest good. So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009
KGR

Witnessed by
Juno, Vesta, Athena, Aphrodite and Kuan Yin

Soul Contract with my Child

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge a soul contract with AXR. In this lifetime, I am here to learn how to mother, nurture and cherish this being. I willingly take on this contract, knowing I have a financial, emotional and spiritual commitment to this being's heath, well-being and development as a person. This contract will never expire although it will be complete in this lifetime. So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009
KGR

Witnessed by
Jesus, Kuan Yin, Mother Mary

Soul Contract with a Soul Mate

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge a soul contract with JDR. In this lifetime, I have the lessons to learn of

• Marriage
• Self-love
• Commitment
• Parenting

I willingly took on this contract, knowing that I would pay a price in exchange. I have sacrificed my time and energy for the lessons received.

This contract will expire as of today. I acknowledge that:

• Our marriage is dissolved and we are each free now to pursue new, healthy partnerships
• I have learned self love
• I have transferred my commitment to being co-allies and co-parents
• I make a commitment to keep communication open only as it benefits our child in the highest good.

All karmic debts are hereby released and dissolved between us. The past is complete and we are both set free. All is forgiven for each of these two beings to now move on in their separate life journeys.

So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009

KGR

Witnessed by
Jesus, Kali Ma, Aphrodite, Pan

More on my Kooky House

People with no TV - what the heck should we do tonight, honey? There was a long white corridor at the top of the stairs that proved to be the perfect blank canvas for this winter's kooky house project.

We decided on a four seasons theme. First we sponged a background with a fade from yellow to blue. Then we painted trunks and branches. Frosty fairies and blue birds, wise owls and long icicles, summer sprites and hummingbirds, dancing elves and sprouting mushrooms soon appeared amidst the fall foliage, spring buds and summer blossoms.

 Mike the Dragon seems to be enjoying the new view tremendously. Of course, the only question now is: what next?

Hawk Medicine

It was late afternoon as we walked along the railroad tracks, the setting sun a dazzling gold ball before us. My daughter had volunteered to dog sit while a friend was out of town, and we were now returning to our cat filled abode.

A dark shadow passed in front of the sun, then swooped before us again before landing just a few feet away on the fence. Deep amber eyes over a hooked beak, the creamy chest feathers heaving with each breath, tawny tail and wings primly folded at it’s sides, the bird of prey calmy regarded us for long moments.

“Hawk Medicine!” My mind whirled, digging up lore and superstition, myth and magic, my own personal symbolism weaving with all the other happenings of the day, all that this omen could potentially portend. Before I could whisper a word, it launched itself off the fence in one graceful move, circled over a nearby redwood, then moved west, disappearing into the glowing orange sunset once more.

“Wow...” I breathed, eyes shining, facing my daughter, wondering if maybe, just maybe, this might be one of those random moments that she would remember forever, even years from now when I lay a-mouldering in the grave. Honor all life’s messages and all life’s messengers kept ringing in my mind. “Wow... What a sign!”

“Yep, sign of the fowl” she quipped, not missing a beat, “Sure sign we should have chicken for dinner tonight, Mom.”

Outta the mouths of babes...