Forgiveness

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.- Lewis B. Smedes

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. One dictionary definition I read said that forgiveness is to release someone from the consequences of their actions. I've also heard that true forgiveness is not saying that whatever happened was okay, it’s saying that whatever it was won’t affect you anymore. Certainly the theme that comes up again and again is that forgiveness is ultimately something you do for yourself, not for the other person.

I experienced an act of forgiveness recently. A friend of mine named Mars threw a Blacklight Beatles Bash party for her fabulous fiftieth birthday- a gala affair with a couple of hundred people. Think Burning Man meets the Yellow Submarine in Santa Cruz. Talk about your Octopus’ Garden. Mars & I had not really been in contact since my boifriend and I broke up five years ago, despite having been exceptionally close, both of us having ftm tranny lovers.

As I was getting ready for the eve, I thought about the ways I have felt exiled from this particular tribe, but also about my own self-exile, my own self-punishment for the break up. I have diligently avoided any social event where I thought there might be an iota of a chance of my exs presence, after learning the hard way that I’d throw up every time I saw him. And in a small town with a small community... well, let’s just say this Rapunzel has stayed locked up in her self created tower for some time now.

Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm..

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
-Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter

Since he is a part of my child’s life (he has been her “Uncle” since she was born, from before we dated) I have consciously worked to transform my more bitter feelings to one’s more in alignment with how I feel about my other co-parent, i.e allies. As someone, somewhere, once said regarding the gay community, “An army of ex-lovers cannot fail.” I’d say 90% of hypnosis school was around this wound (the rest being around my mom - you know, if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother...)

Well, after enough visualizations of seeing him would be “like seeing an old friend” all I can say is: hypnosis works. I felt great - no, I felt like a BABE as I entered the party in a dusky gold velvet dress that just clings to my figure. I danced my ass off, drank too much wine, and shmoozed with folks I had not seen in years. In other words, I had a blast.

At some point I went out to give my daughter her cell phone. My ex was sitting at a table and we said hi to each other. His body language was tense, and I wondered what he was thinking. Later I was out gossiping with the local wag who said, “So, I hear you’re dating bio boys now” which goes to prove the fastest way to communicate is not telephone or telegram, but tell-a-queer. I simply responded that I had not dated in almost a year, and left it at that.

I went home earlier rather than later, feeling that "at the heart of the matter" I was finally in that place of being okay, of releasing myself from the past. In the moment I could see how our paths had parted, and I could finally stop beating myself up for not trying harder, for somehow not being "enough". I finally forgave myself.

I cherish several of the other folks that I reconnected with, and I love my friend Mars & look forward to going out dancing with her soon. I was somehow reminded of high school where I realized I was part of no clique but had many individual friends. In this world of a thousand tribes, I recognize that I am still a nomad gypsy marching to my own heartbeat.

Forgiveness does not change the past,
but it does enlarge the future.-Paul Boese

We love a Good Meme

It’s St. Paddy's Day & I'm sitting at the Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery, my new favorite local hangout, which serves not only excellent beer, but also food from Kelly’s Bakery. My life is complete. I sip my Dread Brown between flirting with the regulars and getting up to date on FaceBook. After diligently ploughing & reseeding myFarm (which I am completely obsessed with), I respond to other friend requests and low & behold, yet another meme. But it’s a goodie & worth spreading the love:

My First Album

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Start a new Note, add your cover to the Note as a photo, copy in these rules, and tag a bunch of you friends.

Have fun!

Soul Contracts

I have a client I have been working with for some time now, who is extricating herself from an extremely painful relationship. There is much to the story, of course, including a thirty year history exists between the two, and a teenage child. We discussed the concept of relationship being the greatest teacher, and what (hard) life lessons was she learning with this person. And, more importantly, when would she feel she really had learned those lessons and could karmically graduate?

This made me start thinking about soul contracts. It’s interesting that I was “married” to a woman in a time when gay marriage was illegal and there were no domestic partnerships. As well as writing vows, we went through a series of contracts with a lawyer to establish some of the same benefits & privileges that marriage automatically grants. I’m talking about durable power of attorney for health care, durable power of attorney for finances, wills, living trusts, living together agreements including a pre-nup type agreement, and a parenting agreement. We really had to think things through, especially when we broke up.

I remember sitting at the keyboard typing the words “due to irreconcilable differences” and just losing it. I called my dad who was my biggest source of support at the time, and his wise words, “don’t drag it out”, and the papers were notarized the next day. There’s a lot of talk about gay marriage with Prop 8, but what really needs to be discussed is gay divorce.

While we had planned to go to court for a 2nd parent adoption for our child, we broke up before the process was complete, but we have both stuck to our parenting agreement for over a decade. While I have never been legally acknowledged as my child's parent,( ie no tax benefits, no insurance benefits for her, etc.), certainly I have been the other parent at every PTA meeting, every doctor’s appointment. I have paid for everything out of my own personal sense of ethics and moral obligation.

While it is easy for me to see I have a soul contract with my daughter, it was interesting to review what were my feelings about still having a contract with my ex-spouse, ten years after our divorce. Was there anything I was still hanging onto that makes me emotionally unavailable now? One purpose of the soul contract is for release - conscious and SUBCONSCIOUS release - but that starts with noting what leases (contracts) have I made.

Anyway, I came up with the following soul contracts as an exercise to clarify and create release. Some key questions in writing a soul contract are:

• what are the lessons to be learned
• what price are you willing to pay
• what point will you know that the contract has been fulfilled
• space for amendments - good lourdes, you are human and might change your mind sometime in the future!

I found some parchment paper and thought about using red ink, but there’s only so many contracts I’ll write in blood. I filed my contracts away with other important documents, like my will and house deeds. It will be interesting to see what my client come up with. Meanwhile, here are some of mine as examples:

Soul Contract with My Self

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge that I am a spiritual being currently living in a physical body. In this lifetime, I have a contract with this body to:

• Maintain this physical body to operate at maximum health and well being
• Nurture and develop emotional intelligence
• Feed this mind and intellect, encourage curiosity and be engaged in creative and productive ways
• Encourage my own process as a spiritual being having a human experience on planet earth
• Foster joy, love, light and laughter
• To experience happiness
• To love and cherish my life mate
• To love and cherish my family: my daughter, my parents and brother, my extended network of friends and my many familiars

This contract may be amended to at any time, and will never expire. All former contracts, karmic and otherwise, are hereby dissolved and released. All past debts are hereby considered paid in full. All future contracts will be made if and only if they are in my highest good. So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009
KGR

Witnessed by
Juno, Vesta, Athena, Aphrodite and Kuan Yin

Soul Contract with my Child

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge a soul contract with AXR. In this lifetime, I am here to learn how to mother, nurture and cherish this being. I willingly take on this contract, knowing I have a financial, emotional and spiritual commitment to this being's heath, well-being and development as a person. This contract will never expire although it will be complete in this lifetime. So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009
KGR

Witnessed by
Jesus, Kuan Yin, Mother Mary

Soul Contract with a Soul Mate

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge a soul contract with JDR. In this lifetime, I have the lessons to learn of

• Marriage
• Self-love
• Commitment
• Parenting

I willingly took on this contract, knowing that I would pay a price in exchange. I have sacrificed my time and energy for the lessons received.

This contract will expire as of today. I acknowledge that:

• Our marriage is dissolved and we are each free now to pursue new, healthy partnerships
• I have learned self love
• I have transferred my commitment to being co-allies and co-parents
• I make a commitment to keep communication open only as it benefits our child in the highest good.

All karmic debts are hereby released and dissolved between us. The past is complete and we are both set free. All is forgiven for each of these two beings to now move on in their separate life journeys.

So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009

KGR

Witnessed by
Jesus, Kali Ma, Aphrodite, Pan

More on my Kooky House

People with no TV - what the heck should we do tonight, honey? There was a long white corridor at the top of the stairs that proved to be the perfect blank canvas for this winter's kooky house project.

We decided on a four seasons theme. First we sponged a background with a fade from yellow to blue. Then we painted trunks and branches. Frosty fairies and blue birds, wise owls and long icicles, summer sprites and hummingbirds, dancing elves and sprouting mushrooms soon appeared amidst the fall foliage, spring buds and summer blossoms.

 Mike the Dragon seems to be enjoying the new view tremendously. Of course, the only question now is: what next?

Hawk Medicine

It was late afternoon as we walked along the railroad tracks, the setting sun a dazzling gold ball before us. My daughter had volunteered to dog sit while a friend was out of town, and we were now returning to our cat filled abode.

A dark shadow passed in front of the sun, then swooped before us again before landing just a few feet away on the fence. Deep amber eyes over a hooked beak, the creamy chest feathers heaving with each breath, tawny tail and wings primly folded at it’s sides, the bird of prey calmy regarded us for long moments.

“Hawk Medicine!” My mind whirled, digging up lore and superstition, myth and magic, my own personal symbolism weaving with all the other happenings of the day, all that this omen could potentially portend. Before I could whisper a word, it launched itself off the fence in one graceful move, circled over a nearby redwood, then moved west, disappearing into the glowing orange sunset once more.

“Wow...” I breathed, eyes shining, facing my daughter, wondering if maybe, just maybe, this might be one of those random moments that she would remember forever, even years from now when I lay a-mouldering in the grave. Honor all life’s messages and all life’s messengers kept ringing in my mind. “Wow... What a sign!”

“Yep, sign of the fowl” she quipped, not missing a beat, “Sure sign we should have chicken for dinner tonight, Mom.”

Outta the mouths of babes...

Crossroads

As you ponder your path

I wonder if I am a distraction
Where has there been union
Where is there faction
Each step we take,
each tiny action
What was a response,
What has been the reaction

I can chart the stars
or cast the cards
to give you more information
But the truth is
it’s up to you
To decide your destination
If you want to know
Where you need to go
Try to google map
Your own imagination

There's times it seems so clear
Times the fog is dense
When I left you at the crossroads
You were still leaning on that fence
You make your choices,
you decide
Let your heart
be your guide

And though the parting
felt hard there in the end
In my heart of hearts
I think of you as a friend
And I’ll always smile
when I remember we shared
Something more
than a few molecules of air.

Thoughts on TV

In general, people spend about 15 hours a week, or 38% of their free time watching TV. Children receive about 360,000 commercial messages by the time they graduate from high school. Only 3% of characters depicted on Saturday morning children’s fare are black, and only 1% are Hispanic. Only 13% of people surveyed said they prefer spending time with family over other activities, including watching TV. (from” Glued to the Tube: The Threat of Television Addiction to Today’s Family” by Cheryl Pawlowski, Ph.D.

I admit it. I'm one of those "kill your television" kinda people. I killed mine back in 1997, after realizing that TV was running my life. Literally, the day the new TV guide arrived in the mail, we would make a spreadsheet of the week's TV schedule: what we would watch, what would be taped, what my partner would watch when I wasn't home (in particular, cop shows). TV dictated when we when out, when we stayed in and when we went to bed. Remember, this was before the days of TiVo.

After getting divorced, I disconnected ye olde cable. I still had my hand dandy VCR, and expected to watch plenty of movies. To my surprise, I watched fewer and fewer, besides for the ones my kid chose. I attributed this partly to the lack of commercials - although indeed, suddenly previews had more meaning.

I live a pretty kooky, creative life, and often people ask me where I find the time for all my various and sundry projects. Well, imagine just the time saved in not making any more TV schedule spreadsheets...

Interestingly enough, it has affected my social life. Folks often talk about current shows at work, etc. and I feel left out of the loop. I just smile and nod politely, but inside I wonder if I'm this crazy reclusive hermit who is loosing touch with the "real" world.

But now I have discovered Netflix, and my life has changed. I love renting TV series - the lack of commercials, the ability to watch 3 hours and 35 minutes of Friends with no interruption, and the incredible backlog of TV shows after a twelve year hiatus...


I also noticed how central TV is for family bonding - last year my housemate would hole up in her room with the TV on all night for company. This year my new housemate & I deeply bonded over Battlestar Galactica, watching the entire series last fall. The ubiquitous drums still ring in my ears. We named the toaster oven "3/12ths" and when it bings we chime, "Cylon Says!"

In some ways, the TV is the new hearth to gather around, but I'll be curious to see what shifts and changes as TV evolves. Or to be more precise, how will projecting visions for entertainment change, just starting with the Internet - look at YouTube, the quality of streaming videos, the webcam technology improving constantly. Will we become more isolated, like the future folks of Wall-Es world, each with our private screen? Or will there be a return of the drive-in, the movie theater with balcony seats, as we gather together to experience the humanity found in being an audience sitting in the dark together?

Well, my little red envelopes of love and entertainment are beckoning to me. Sure wish I had some microwave popcorn. Oh, and a microwave, but that's another story...