Thoughts on taxes

Today as I faxed yet another form to my tax preparer, I thought, wouldn't it be great if we got a tax break for smileage each year, and the more you smiled, the bigger the refund?

I am Whole Unto Myself

I am a leader with no followers
I am a gypsy with no tribe
I am a nomad in the desert
With no one by my side

I am a single mother
Whose daughter is not home
I am a solitary witch
I practice my magic alone

I am a soulful wanderer
On a meandering path
I am a laughing mermaid
Splashing in my bath

I am a black winged raven
I am feathering my nest
I am a fiery hummingbird
Love is thrumming in my chest

I am a mountain lion
Roaring out of my cave
I am a purring cat
It is my life that I save

I am a white whale
I surface and go deep
I am a true beauty
But I am no longer asleep

I am a well read traveler
My journey is my destination
I banish all sorts of abuse
I drop all my hesitations

I am all by myself
I am happy and content
Each day and night I know
I live a life well spent

I am a big blue dragonfly
I drop all illusions now
I am a monarch butterfly
Transformation is how

I am a glittering fairy
With iridescent wings
I am a strong, strong Woman
Who dances, cooks and sings

I am grounded in the earth
I am filled with sacred fire
I am in touch with my emotions
I live my truth just to inspire

I am a leader with no followers
I am the queen of nobody
I am the goddess of everything
I love myself unconditionally

June 2004

The Path

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

The Color Chartreuse

I was having one of those moments when I was feeling in touch with my inner Martha Stewart, as I waltzed around Ross: Cross Dress for Less at our lovely River Street Plaza. There I found the most fabulous chartreuse  velvet curtains, the perfect color for my front room, at an astonishing price. I languorously chose new curtain rods, my inner math geek happily translating feet to inches and how to divide four curtains between three windows.

I love that word, chartreuse. It conjures up a particular time in high school and battling with the glazes as I tried to raku a series of ceramic beads that I was making a substantial profit on, selling to Mom’s then jewelry group, The Brass Ring. Renown at the local craft fairs for their amazing creations of fiber and handmade, exotic embellishments, the ladies were gobbling up my chartreuse beads - let’s just say I was an entrepreneur at an early age, and a part of that money is my retirement account today.

Coming home, I spent a fun afternoon removing the old, tired blinds, installing the curtain rod hardware, spackling and painting over the resulting holes, and finally, finally, hanging my magnificent chartreuse curtains. All I needed was violin music and maybe a rose gripped between my teeth to complete the moment. In my mind’s eye I could see the cover of Better Homes & Gardens- This months feature: Enchanting Homes of Santa Cruz...

After picking my kid up from school the next day, I swept into the house and in grand voice announced, “ So, my darling, what do you think of my chartreuse curtains?”

With barely a glance, she calmly stated, “Mom, they’re the color of puke.”

“No, sweetie, they’re chartreuse,” I corrected her, my ire beginning to boil. “Look how they match everything in the room.” She merely raised an eyebrow. Forget her, I thought, I love my chartreuse curtains, they’re perfect.

The next day, walking down the stairs, all I could think was, “Puke. The color puke.”

Needless to say, they were returned that morning, and this time I let my kid choose the curtains. Why not? She lives here too. And guess what she chose:

Pink - a beautiful, dusky rose, unmistakable, pink.

Sorry, Martha.

Thoughts on Cats

In this particular moment
I am annoyed with the cats
Which is not good, since
They own me.

It is their exacting
communication
That is so grating...

The sound of claws on upholstery
The unraveling of my material world
The stench of cat urine on the carpet
Well, I'm pissed off too.

They know I'm annoyed
Small faces at the kitchen door
Round eyes somehow even rounder
Melting my resolve...

Spring Break Up

she thought she had a decision
to make...
but it had already been made.
she felt it inside her.
now she just had to admit it.

-Terri Urban, Bone Sighs

When feeling stuck between two choices, I’ll often reach for the closest handy dandy tarot deck lying around the house or office. I’ll pull one card with my left hand, representing my heart in the moment; one card with my right, representing my mind; and one card with both hands, combining my head and my heart into a soul/sole purpose. I then look to the highest card as the right path to follow...


Recently upon pondering whether or not to contact a certain someone, I found Osho the most convenient of the 17 deck I seem to have collected over the years. My left hand pulled (who didn’t know it) VI: The Lovers. My right hand pulled XI: Break Through. Traditionally the Justice Card (sign of Libra the Scales), Osho instead instructs us to change our break downs into breakthroughs. Venus being retrograde and it being that time of review, review, review, I found myself thinking about spring break up when living in my own private Idaho, in more ways than one.

I moved to Bonner's Ferry Idaho in the bitterly cold January of 1989, living there for almost a year before returning to my beloved Santa Cruz. Less than fifty miles away from the frozen Canadian border, population 2000. My best friend had recently been hospitalized after attempting suicide, and had decided to return to her home town to rehabilitate. She asked me to come with her, and having ended my college classes a semester early, I thought, why not?

Well, considering how much I hate the cold, soon the question was, why? With a wind chill factor registering at 40 degrees below zero, my entire life revolved around getting my friends in California to mail me chai, stoking a wood stove in order not to freeze at night and running a hair dryer over my car engine for 24/7 rather than having my engine block crack. Densely packed snow covered everything, the proverbial white blanket, only a mere 6 feet deep. Interestingly enough, it was that winter I painted my first tarot deck, using water colors to illuminate Ffiona Morgan's Daughters of the Moon , still my favorite deck today, 23 years later.

The only weather more extreme than winter, though, was spring break up - that 6 foot blanket became a six foot moving sheet of ice, churning up everything in it's path. As the creeks and rivers began to thaw, so began the most intense earthly transformations. Asphalt buckled, mountains cracked, and mud became the ruling element. Navigating the roads was treacherous, and mud slides were more likely to close down the schools than any paltry snow day. Chaotic and messy, the sun’s golden rays illuminating the primordial sludge that all is born anew from.

Icicles shifted, melted, and transformed into running streams, babbling brooks, and fast flowing rivers. There is so much power in the melt down, the sudden waterfalls and instant byways as gravity would help sluice down the excess, creating short cuts for more flow. Much like my own tears, expressing my grief, no longer stagnating in sorrow, so too did I find my internal ice-olation shifting and changing in that particular spring time, transforming my thornier parts into the welcoming rose bud, the promise of summer blossoms, the return of joy. Part of the break throughs were the bulbs bursting through the soil, tender shoots reaching for the sun; the dams that had burst free now calming into gentle rivers. The earth truly seemed to shudder as she shook herself awake.

And just what was the third card? Oh, but that’s another story...

THE MOMENT one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.
Whatever you think you can do, or believe you can do, BEGIN IT.
Action has magic, power and grace.
-Goethe

Seabright Musings

Can’t seem to sleep, can’t seem to eat
Feels like my stomach is tied up in knots
Can’t seem to let go, can’t seem to move on
Wonder what the hell is causing this gut rot?

Classroom head lice, house might have termites,
Only rich in cat hair, pollen and dust bunnies
Can’t seem to get sleep, can’t seem to breathe deep
And now don’t you know, the IRS wants all my money...

It is a sunny spring day in lovely Santa Cruz, and I am sipping a Pelican Ale at the Seabright Brewery, listening to a rather raucous band do poor covers from somewhere half a block away. Apparently it is a benefit for a taxi cab driver who died a few years ago, leaving wife & children, which softens my heart if not my ear drums.
 
I have not been on any of my blogs in what seems like days & days, and I miss my various & sundry audiences. I went to several doctors over the last week after experiencing chest pains, and have been diagnosed with gerd, which is further constricting my breathing, causing asthma, but more importantly, made me feel like I was having a heart attack.

Being sick is stressful, but going to the doctors is too, bringing up childhood memories of constantly being hospitalized, constantly having my mom yell at me to take my medications. I resist western medicine as a result, and instead choose to treat my symptoms with acupuncture, herbs and nutrition.

My next big project will be to rip out all the carpeting in the house & either install wood, cork, bamboo or tile. While the doctor recommends getting rid of the cats, I’d rather cut off my hands. I can compromise by making them live outdoors and getting an air filter, boosting my immune system and receiving NAET.

So I order my Jiggy’s Pub Club on whole wheat and a side salad with no tomatoes. I’m looking at eliminating coffee (gasp!) no more french fries or chips & salsa for me either. Life looks a little bland, but better without the heart burn. Kinda like my love life...

(Time passes) I have now switched to their Lighthouse Amber, half my lunch boxed away for dinner. While the beer has improved, the music has not, and I may need to move locals sooner rather than later. I have been musing on Pan and my path of paganism, spring thaws in Idaho and my daughter’s “first date” yesterday. More to follow...

Thanks to those of you checking in. You know who you are. I do appreciate it.

VI: The Lovers

There are two beings, naked in their splendor. They have traveled far to meet. This is the time, and this is the place. Their paths cross and a third entity - Love - is born. In the distance is a mountain, their toils of the past to get this far. Between them is is river, gently flowing:

I take delight in
The love that is flowing
just like a river
To the strength of the sea...

And I take delight in
The love that is growing
Just like a river
Between you and me...
(Traditional)

There is green earth under them- they are grounded and stable, a solid foundation. They each come with their gifts - One has a fruit tree in full blossom, feeding them both. A snake winds around the trunk, whispering truth in her ear. She looks to the heavens, as she wonders about worlds of possibilities.The other has a burning bush, keeping them both warm. He looks to her as he has single focus.

Above is the sky, where above a cloud bank an angel of peace brings the message of hope, blessing each of them with outstretched hands. The angel's cloak is the blue of the fifth chakra, communication with love and kindness, kind communication with god. It's wings are purple, color of the higher mind, allowing these beings to rise rather than fall in love. At the apex of the triangle, the angel's hair is a halo of fire, radiant thoughts, and behind the angel is god herself, the blossoming sun, illuminating the whole.

The fog is lifting and the clouds of illusion and despair part as the two lovers come together in perfect love and perfect trust. Each has achieved the trinity within, and now make up the VI: The Six. There is the unity of the one, the polarity of the two, the creativity of the three, the stability of four, fives are the experience of change, and sixes signify the resulting growth. This is a mutually beneficial, reciprocal relationship.

The two beings feel illuminated and blessed, and share their joy with friends and family, their community. They balance and harmonize each other, feeling interdependent and symbiotic, being complementary energies, moving through co-operation and compromise to create together what they could not do individually.

And we can make something bigger
Then anyone of us alone
-Ani DiFranco

These are my notes after pulling IV: The Lovers card at Mary K. Greer's workshop on 21 ways To Read a Tarot Card at this year's Pantheacon

Forgiveness

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.- Lewis B. Smedes

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. One dictionary definition I read said that forgiveness is to release someone from the consequences of their actions. I've also heard that true forgiveness is not saying that whatever happened was okay, it’s saying that whatever it was won’t affect you anymore. Certainly the theme that comes up again and again is that forgiveness is ultimately something you do for yourself, not for the other person.

I experienced an act of forgiveness recently. A friend of mine named Mars threw a Blacklight Beatles Bash party for her fabulous fiftieth birthday- a gala affair with a couple of hundred people. Think Burning Man meets the Yellow Submarine in Santa Cruz. Talk about your Octopus’ Garden. Mars & I had not really been in contact since my boifriend and I broke up five years ago, despite having been exceptionally close, both of us having ftm tranny lovers.

As I was getting ready for the eve, I thought about the ways I have felt exiled from this particular tribe, but also about my own self-exile, my own self-punishment for the break up. I have diligently avoided any social event where I thought there might be an iota of a chance of my exs presence, after learning the hard way that I’d throw up every time I saw him. And in a small town with a small community... well, let’s just say this Rapunzel has stayed locked up in her self created tower for some time now.

Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm..

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
-Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter

Since he is a part of my child’s life (he has been her “Uncle” since she was born, from before we dated) I have consciously worked to transform my more bitter feelings to one’s more in alignment with how I feel about my other co-parent, i.e allies. As someone, somewhere, once said regarding the gay community, “An army of ex-lovers cannot fail.” I’d say 90% of hypnosis school was around this wound (the rest being around my mom - you know, if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother...)

Well, after enough visualizations of seeing him would be “like seeing an old friend” all I can say is: hypnosis works. I felt great - no, I felt like a BABE as I entered the party in a dusky gold velvet dress that just clings to my figure. I danced my ass off, drank too much wine, and shmoozed with folks I had not seen in years. In other words, I had a blast.

At some point I went out to give my daughter her cell phone. My ex was sitting at a table and we said hi to each other. His body language was tense, and I wondered what he was thinking. Later I was out gossiping with the local wag who said, “So, I hear you’re dating bio boys now” which goes to prove the fastest way to communicate is not telephone or telegram, but tell-a-queer. I simply responded that I had not dated in almost a year, and left it at that.

I went home earlier rather than later, feeling that "at the heart of the matter" I was finally in that place of being okay, of releasing myself from the past. In the moment I could see how our paths had parted, and I could finally stop beating myself up for not trying harder, for somehow not being "enough". I finally forgave myself.

I cherish several of the other folks that I reconnected with, and I love my friend Mars & look forward to going out dancing with her soon. I was somehow reminded of high school where I realized I was part of no clique but had many individual friends. In this world of a thousand tribes, I recognize that I am still a nomad gypsy marching to my own heartbeat.

Forgiveness does not change the past,
but it does enlarge the future.-Paul Boese

We love a Good Meme

It’s St. Paddy's Day & I'm sitting at the Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery, my new favorite local hangout, which serves not only excellent beer, but also food from Kelly’s Bakery. My life is complete. I sip my Dread Brown between flirting with the regulars and getting up to date on FaceBook. After diligently ploughing & reseeding myFarm (which I am completely obsessed with), I respond to other friend requests and low & behold, yet another meme. But it’s a goodie & worth spreading the love:

My First Album

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Start a new Note, add your cover to the Note as a photo, copy in these rules, and tag a bunch of you friends.

Have fun!

Soul Contracts

I have a client I have been working with for some time now, who is extricating herself from an extremely painful relationship. There is much to the story, of course, including a thirty year history exists between the two, and a teenage child. We discussed the concept of relationship being the greatest teacher, and what (hard) life lessons was she learning with this person. And, more importantly, when would she feel she really had learned those lessons and could karmically graduate?

This made me start thinking about soul contracts. It’s interesting that I was “married” to a woman in a time when gay marriage was illegal and there were no domestic partnerships. As well as writing vows, we went through a series of contracts with a lawyer to establish some of the same benefits & privileges that marriage automatically grants. I’m talking about durable power of attorney for health care, durable power of attorney for finances, wills, living trusts, living together agreements including a pre-nup type agreement, and a parenting agreement. We really had to think things through, especially when we broke up.

I remember sitting at the keyboard typing the words “due to irreconcilable differences” and just losing it. I called my dad who was my biggest source of support at the time, and his wise words, “don’t drag it out”, and the papers were notarized the next day. There’s a lot of talk about gay marriage with Prop 8, but what really needs to be discussed is gay divorce.

While we had planned to go to court for a 2nd parent adoption for our child, we broke up before the process was complete, but we have both stuck to our parenting agreement for over a decade. While I have never been legally acknowledged as my child's parent,( ie no tax benefits, no insurance benefits for her, etc.), certainly I have been the other parent at every PTA meeting, every doctor’s appointment. I have paid for everything out of my own personal sense of ethics and moral obligation.

While it is easy for me to see I have a soul contract with my daughter, it was interesting to review what were my feelings about still having a contract with my ex-spouse, ten years after our divorce. Was there anything I was still hanging onto that makes me emotionally unavailable now? One purpose of the soul contract is for release - conscious and SUBCONSCIOUS release - but that starts with noting what leases (contracts) have I made.

Anyway, I came up with the following soul contracts as an exercise to clarify and create release. Some key questions in writing a soul contract are:

• what are the lessons to be learned
• what price are you willing to pay
• what point will you know that the contract has been fulfilled
• space for amendments - good lourdes, you are human and might change your mind sometime in the future!

I found some parchment paper and thought about using red ink, but there’s only so many contracts I’ll write in blood. I filed my contracts away with other important documents, like my will and house deeds. It will be interesting to see what my client come up with. Meanwhile, here are some of mine as examples:

Soul Contract with My Self

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge that I am a spiritual being currently living in a physical body. In this lifetime, I have a contract with this body to:

• Maintain this physical body to operate at maximum health and well being
• Nurture and develop emotional intelligence
• Feed this mind and intellect, encourage curiosity and be engaged in creative and productive ways
• Encourage my own process as a spiritual being having a human experience on planet earth
• Foster joy, love, light and laughter
• To experience happiness
• To love and cherish my life mate
• To love and cherish my family: my daughter, my parents and brother, my extended network of friends and my many familiars

This contract may be amended to at any time, and will never expire. All former contracts, karmic and otherwise, are hereby dissolved and released. All past debts are hereby considered paid in full. All future contracts will be made if and only if they are in my highest good. So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009
KGR

Witnessed by
Juno, Vesta, Athena, Aphrodite and Kuan Yin

Soul Contract with my Child

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge a soul contract with AXR. In this lifetime, I am here to learn how to mother, nurture and cherish this being. I willingly take on this contract, knowing I have a financial, emotional and spiritual commitment to this being's heath, well-being and development as a person. This contract will never expire although it will be complete in this lifetime. So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009
KGR

Witnessed by
Jesus, Kuan Yin, Mother Mary

Soul Contract with a Soul Mate

I, KGR, do hereby acknowledge a soul contract with JDR. In this lifetime, I have the lessons to learn of

• Marriage
• Self-love
• Commitment
• Parenting

I willingly took on this contract, knowing that I would pay a price in exchange. I have sacrificed my time and energy for the lessons received.

This contract will expire as of today. I acknowledge that:

• Our marriage is dissolved and we are each free now to pursue new, healthy partnerships
• I have learned self love
• I have transferred my commitment to being co-allies and co-parents
• I make a commitment to keep communication open only as it benefits our child in the highest good.

All karmic debts are hereby released and dissolved between us. The past is complete and we are both set free. All is forgiven for each of these two beings to now move on in their separate life journeys.

So Mote It Be.

Signed this 4th day of March, 2009

KGR

Witnessed by
Jesus, Kali Ma, Aphrodite, Pan

More on my Kooky House

People with no TV - what the heck should we do tonight, honey? There was a long white corridor at the top of the stairs that proved to be the perfect blank canvas for this winter's kooky house project.

We decided on a four seasons theme. First we sponged a background with a fade from yellow to blue. Then we painted trunks and branches. Frosty fairies and blue birds, wise owls and long icicles, summer sprites and hummingbirds, dancing elves and sprouting mushrooms soon appeared amidst the fall foliage, spring buds and summer blossoms.

 Mike the Dragon seems to be enjoying the new view tremendously. Of course, the only question now is: what next?

Hawk Medicine

It was late afternoon as we walked along the railroad tracks, the setting sun a dazzling gold ball before us. My daughter had volunteered to dog sit while a friend was out of town, and we were now returning to our cat filled abode.

A dark shadow passed in front of the sun, then swooped before us again before landing just a few feet away on the fence. Deep amber eyes over a hooked beak, the creamy chest feathers heaving with each breath, tawny tail and wings primly folded at it’s sides, the bird of prey calmy regarded us for long moments.

“Hawk Medicine!” My mind whirled, digging up lore and superstition, myth and magic, my own personal symbolism weaving with all the other happenings of the day, all that this omen could potentially portend. Before I could whisper a word, it launched itself off the fence in one graceful move, circled over a nearby redwood, then moved west, disappearing into the glowing orange sunset once more.

“Wow...” I breathed, eyes shining, facing my daughter, wondering if maybe, just maybe, this might be one of those random moments that she would remember forever, even years from now when I lay a-mouldering in the grave. Honor all life’s messages and all life’s messengers kept ringing in my mind. “Wow... What a sign!”

“Yep, sign of the fowl” she quipped, not missing a beat, “Sure sign we should have chicken for dinner tonight, Mom.”

Outta the mouths of babes...

Crossroads

As you ponder your path

I wonder if I am a distraction
Where has there been union
Where is there faction
Each step we take,
each tiny action
What was a response,
What has been the reaction

I can chart the stars
or cast the cards
to give you more information
But the truth is
it’s up to you
To decide your destination
If you want to know
Where you need to go
Try to google map
Your own imagination

There's times it seems so clear
Times the fog is dense
When I left you at the crossroads
You were still leaning on that fence
You make your choices,
you decide
Let your heart
be your guide

And though the parting
felt hard there in the end
In my heart of hearts
I think of you as a friend
And I’ll always smile
when I remember we shared
Something more
than a few molecules of air.

Thoughts on TV

In general, people spend about 15 hours a week, or 38% of their free time watching TV. Children receive about 360,000 commercial messages by the time they graduate from high school. Only 3% of characters depicted on Saturday morning children’s fare are black, and only 1% are Hispanic. Only 13% of people surveyed said they prefer spending time with family over other activities, including watching TV. (from” Glued to the Tube: The Threat of Television Addiction to Today’s Family” by Cheryl Pawlowski, Ph.D.

I admit it. I'm one of those "kill your television" kinda people. I killed mine back in 1997, after realizing that TV was running my life. Literally, the day the new TV guide arrived in the mail, we would make a spreadsheet of the week's TV schedule: what we would watch, what would be taped, what my partner would watch when I wasn't home (in particular, cop shows). TV dictated when we when out, when we stayed in and when we went to bed. Remember, this was before the days of TiVo.

After getting divorced, I disconnected ye olde cable. I still had my hand dandy VCR, and expected to watch plenty of movies. To my surprise, I watched fewer and fewer, besides for the ones my kid chose. I attributed this partly to the lack of commercials - although indeed, suddenly previews had more meaning.

I live a pretty kooky, creative life, and often people ask me where I find the time for all my various and sundry projects. Well, imagine just the time saved in not making any more TV schedule spreadsheets...

Interestingly enough, it has affected my social life. Folks often talk about current shows at work, etc. and I feel left out of the loop. I just smile and nod politely, but inside I wonder if I'm this crazy reclusive hermit who is loosing touch with the "real" world.

But now I have discovered Netflix, and my life has changed. I love renting TV series - the lack of commercials, the ability to watch 3 hours and 35 minutes of Friends with no interruption, and the incredible backlog of TV shows after a twelve year hiatus...


I also noticed how central TV is for family bonding - last year my housemate would hole up in her room with the TV on all night for company. This year my new housemate & I deeply bonded over Battlestar Galactica, watching the entire series last fall. The ubiquitous drums still ring in my ears. We named the toaster oven "3/12ths" and when it bings we chime, "Cylon Says!"

In some ways, the TV is the new hearth to gather around, but I'll be curious to see what shifts and changes as TV evolves. Or to be more precise, how will projecting visions for entertainment change, just starting with the Internet - look at YouTube, the quality of streaming videos, the webcam technology improving constantly. Will we become more isolated, like the future folks of Wall-Es world, each with our private screen? Or will there be a return of the drive-in, the movie theater with balcony seats, as we gather together to experience the humanity found in being an audience sitting in the dark together?

Well, my little red envelopes of love and entertainment are beckoning to me. Sure wish I had some microwave popcorn. Oh, and a microwave, but that's another story...

Merry Meet

Romantic Notions Series
"Merry Meet"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

Adventures at PantheaCon: Day 4

My fourth time over the hill in 4 days. Not a big deal to some, but more times than I've driven in probably a year. After all, I live in Santa Cruz, and why leave paradise?

I started out with Every Day Reiki - Magickal and Mundane presented by Francena Marie Hancock. Based on Diane Stein's Essential Reiki, this certainly was the calmest, most peaceful workshop I attended. There was an interesting discussion on why do we ask permission before doing Reiki when Reiki can cause no harm. The general conclusion was out of respect and courtesy - just as in the mundane world every repair person rings the doorbell before entering your space to provide their service.

Next I attended a Sacred Circle Dance hosted by The Bay Area Circle Dancers. From the program, "...simple dances to honor the earth and its rhythms, dances of ceremony, ritual, life and death, and the turning of the seasons... to beautiful music from England, Greece, Israel, Russia, Lapland and the Americas, always closing with the moving dance to Charlie Murphy's "Burning Times".

...And the Pope declared an inquisition It was a war against the women, whose power they feared In the holocaust against the nature people Nine million European women died...

Now the Earth is a witch, and the men still burn her
Stripping her down with mining, and the poisons of their wars
Still to us the Earth is a healer, a teacher, a mother
The weaver of a web of life that keeps us all alive...

As in the Self-Blessing Ritual, here was were I felt the most at home. I was with my tribe, with my kin, holding hands with the old woman next to me, mirroring the young girl across the circle, a part of each person present as we matched our steps and moved our hips. The ninety minutes felt like five and I left feeling that I had just accomplished my whole purpose in attending the con - clarity, connection, and community.

The last lecture I went to was Magic of the Self-Your Holy Guardian Angel hosted by Robert Hagar. Designed to encourage one to find one's own inner teacher rather than relying on outside sources, I was reminded of the classic line from Starhawk's Charge of the Star Goddess:

if that which you seek, you find not within yourself,
You will never find it without...

I drove home equally exhilarated as I was exhausted, fell into bed around 4pm and slept for 15 hours. The sun came out on Tuesday, and after work I laid out on the back deck to get some rays on my face. I found myself thinking about the angel in the Lovers card and wondering who my guardian angel could be, when very clearly the Angel Michael came to me.

To be more precise, I had a visitation from my friend Mikey, who died a few years ago from AIDS related complications after getting a cat scratch. Mikey! My bestest buddy from post college days, just beaming down at me with this beatific smile around his busted up nose. He always did look like a prize fighter, Mikey did, but to the core he was a lover.

"Mikey! I've missed you so much!" I cried, tears pouring down my cheeks.

"Why?" His eyebrows crossed quizzically, "I'm right here, you know. You can't miss me if I'm right here." I laughed at the realization. "Girl, I see good things for you," he continued, "Mmm, hmm, good things..."

I somehow expected angels to be winged creatures or beams of light more than a flaming queen, but if Mikey is my new inner teacher, I'm expecting some fun lessons ahead. Well, that's why I'm a pagan... Fun is my spiritual path.

Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices,  
For behold—all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals...
Blessed Be!

Adventures at Pantheacon: Day 3

Sunday I went solo to PantheaCon, weathering the pouring rain as best possible, Astarius cranked on the CD player. Dressed today in rich velvets and sumptuous silks, I felt quite sparkly in my gypsy skirt covered in gold sequins, my anklet tinkling silver bells, glitter on my cheeks & bindi's aplenty on my third eye (Bindi there! Done that!). Indeed, the whole conference was fully bejeweled, bespangled and bedazzling. If you have ever been to a Renaissance Faire, you know what a lusty, corset filled experience it can be, and imagine that energy further stuffed into an overflowing hotel setting. Simply scrumptious.

I missed my intended workshop on Wild Women Chant for Peace with Z Budepest by a few minutes, as my inner chant for coffee took precedence. The ritual was closed by the time I reached the ballroom, so I decided to randomly enter one of the other workshops in progress.

I slipped in to Pan: The God of All being hosted by Jason Mankey. Good lourdes, could this man be any more attractive? Thick blond, shoulder length hair, the kind you just want to entwine your fingers in; Sparkly blue eyes, mischievous as he dryly delivered yet another phallic joke; self confidence radiating from his entire being in the most relaxed, sexy and natural way. I was simply intoxicated.

Forty minutes of deep fantasy ensued while not paying the least attention to what he was saying, finally some of the words began to sink in. "Pan is the god of anti-monogamy, the god of anti-marriage. Pan is the god of the bar hook up - Let's just say he ain't no Aphrodite with flowers and poems." What on earth was I doing here? I slipped out early, feeling like a recovered addict who had just been offered heroin. Luckily Pan is also the god of masturbation, and certainly Jason gave me plenty of fantasy fodder for the following week.

Donald Michael Kraig hosted a workshop on Experiencing Your Past Lives. He first lectured on hypnosis, leading the audience through several exercises to experience trance, including a count down to a past life experience with a message relevant to today. I thought about all the stomach problems I have had this year, and set the intention to discover the deeper cause.

"And when I reach zero, you will be aware of your surroundings. Start by looking at your shoes..." I looked down at the coarsely stitched brown leather that had passed as my shoes for years. I was aware of vivid green grass, grey stones covered with paler green lichen, the feeling of a cow's warm side, the fact that it was the year 800 in a borderland between France & Belgium. I lived a simple life, making cheeses, laid out on wood slabs, needing to be turned each day, slowly ripening for market. "Now imagine it's the day before your death, and allow an important message to come through..."

Unfortunately, there was a miscommunication about timing and the experience was cut short just when we got to the really juicy part, and I left feeling incomplete. Luckily I'm a certified hypnotherapist myself, and later that night I found it easy to slip into trance and really flush out the details of my experience.

I'm in a tavern, arguing with the inn keeper. I see a bone handled knife, very clearly. I see an abdomen, cut open, slippery guts sliding out - I don't know if it's the tavern keepers' or my own. Later I am with my husband in our hut with no windows, just a hole in the ceiling for the smoke from the fire to escape. It is our last moment together, and I know I have made the right choices.

The two messages I receive are crystal clear: Stop waiting for other's to commit. It is up to me to make the commitment. And so simple, so profound: Trust your gut instincts.

Blessed Be.

Adventures at PantheaCon: Day 2

On Saturday we were smart enough to stop at The Buttery before venturing off for further adventures at PantheaCon. The food at The Double Tree Hotel is not only hideously expensive, but veritably unpalatable as well, especially for kids. We loaded up our bags with avocado sandwiches, boiled eggs and organic pop tarts, little cheeses and bottles of water, excitedly venturing forth over the hill once again.

Once at the conference, the kids took off to play on the elevators and collect ribbons for a treasure hunt. I went to my various workshops and we would meet at a strategic meeting point at various times during the day. On my way to our mid afternoon check in, I got a frantic text:"Snakes at the Con! Meet at elevators!" And indeed, four boa constrictors (including an albino beauty) were wrapped around their various owners, tasting the air with quick lisps.

The highlight of the day for me was The Sacred Body of Woman, a self blessing ritual by Z Budapest. From the program: "This skyclad ritual honors the body of every woman present, the beauty and grace of the feminine form in all her infinite variety. Allow yourself to be embraced by the glorious love of your sisters, with voices raised in sacred song in this central ritual of the Dianic Tradition."

I came to the conference with the intention to rededicate myself to the goddess, and in the moment I felt like I had come home. Here was my tribe, my community, my elders and my daughters. I positioned myself midway in the circle, knowing from times past that I would lose my voice at first, but would regain it as we began to build power. We sang the same chant over and over, as each woman stepped up to bless herself before a mirror, herself the goddess reflected.

As I looked around the room at over sixty women present, I was filled with a deep respect for my own body. When it was my turn before the mirror, I held my own gaze, touching the consecrated wine to my lips, my breasts, my knees. I became the observer, looking down upon myself, and marveled at the strength and flexibility in my 42 year old body. My skin is smooth and supple, and while I dye the grey out of my hair, it is thick and lustrous. I felt so grateful for all the good organic foods I have eaten, all the Zumba I have danced, all the good choices I have made, for keeping me strong, sexy, fit and healthy. I left feeling beautiful and awake, rejuvenated and invigorated, energized and fully alive. All I can say is: Blessed Be.

Adventures at PantheaCon: Day 1

I spent the long weekend attending PantheaCon, one of the largest Pagan gatherings around, held at The Double Tree Hotel in San Jose and hosted by Ancient Ways. Four days of workshops, lectures, rituals, circles and celebrations, attended this year by close to 2,500 folks, fairies, witches & warlocks, not to mention the druids, dryads, nymphs and trolls, but I digress...

Each day poured down rain as I left Santa Cruz, and coming over the mountain on 17 through the fogs began the feeling of moving between the veils of the worlds. On the way to the summit is a large friendly sign with "Jesus Loves You" painted in scrawly letters. "Look, Mom," quips my teenager, "Jesus can be your Valentine for the weekend." This from a girl in love with a boy who sparkles.

I went to two workshops with Mary Greer, the first was 21 Ways to Read a Tarot Card. I pulled VI: The Lovers while my impromptu lab partner, Fedelia, pulled XIX: The Sun. We took turns talking and listening, sharing our hearts and sharing our stories. Luckily there always seemed to be a box of the sacred kleenex around.

The next day Mary gave a great presentation on A Hundred Years of Secrets in the Waite-Smith Tarot which included some members of the audience channelling Pamela Coleman Smith and Arthur Waite. I certainly had an intense visualization of how it must of been for them to work in collaboration and remembered some of my own lessons in co-operation and the fine art of compromise.

Almost twenty years ago now, I hand colored my set of The Daughters of The Moon Tarot Deck, which took me almost four years to complete. I enjoyed the process so much, I started a second set for my partner, whose hands shook from a nervous disorder. We worked together on creating a set - She would pick the colors and I would do the painting. It was a long, interesting exercise in communication for both of us: for example, in some random card I thought the sky should be blue - she would want a purple, orange, red sunset. I had to really listen and see through new eyes. Later I found myself somehow jealous of "her" cards, as the colors were more vivid, and my skills had increased, so they were "better". Ah, the never ending ego...

Thoughts on Moomin Trolls

My mother is Swedish & I grew up reading all of Tove Jansson's Moomin troll books. According to the Wikipedia: "They are a family of trolls who are white, round and furry in appearance, with large snouts... The carefree and adventurous family live in their house in Moominvalley, in the forests of Finland... They have many adventures along with their various friends, who are each of various fictional species." This included the Mymbles, the Hattifatteners, and my personal favorite, The Snork Maiden.


Now that it is February, I face my longest month of the year due to SAD. Hey, I'd rather be depressed for 28 days of the year than 365, and it usually doesn't hit hard until mid-month, so I'm setting up my ducks now.

I think about the Moomins who would fill their bellies with pine needles and hibernate through the long Nordic winter. I fill mine with St. John's Wort and organic poptarts, steamed spinach and smoked salmon. I hunker down by the woodstove, feeling extremely grateful for the companionship of my housemate and all four cats, each of us curled into our personal ball of introspection. I notice that my current clients all reflect the need for withdrawal (8 of Cups), the need to retreat, renew & rejuvenate after drinking from the cup of disappointment.

I know California needs rain, but each sunny day feels like a reprieve, and I sit in the pale winter light trying to recharge my photoelectric batteries stored behind my third eye, the oh so important pineal gland. I notice I am sleeping a lot (10-12 hours a night) and have just given up completely trying to go out in the evenings. I count the days and mark off the calendar like a prisoner trying to reach parole.

5 down, 23 to go...

Brigid

New Moon in Aquarius

Happy Chinese New Year: Year of the Ox

Today's ritual:

I went to a baby shower for a friend last fall, and one of the hostess gifts was a packet of seeds - Sweet peas in Cupid Pink, to be exact. They have been sitting in a dish on one of the around the house altars for awhile, gathering energy, if not dust. Fairy dust, of course.

Sun and New Moon are conjunct in Aquarius today, thus begins the Chinese New Year, Year of the Ox. The Ox, like Taurus the Bull, is a tenacious & thorough beast, gentle, patient, strong & full of determination (Obama is a Metal Ox). Tapping into this energy, I cupped my hands around the seeds and began a prayer:

Let these be
The Seeds of Change
The Seeds of Peace
The Seeds of Love
The Seeds of Hope
(and everyone's favorite)
Seed Money
Now...
Blessed Be.

I then proceeded to plant five seeds in each of my Feng Shui power stations, starting in Child/Creativity, perfect for this is also the time of Brigid, Goddess of Inspiration. I take a moment to pull out some weeds, my negative thoughts, creating space for new life to grow.

I moved on to Helpful People. This corner of my yard touches my neighbor Jim, who has always been helpful to me. May I be helpful in return. I might not be able to do anything about the war in the Middle East, but I can reach out to my immediate neighbor. May the seeds of peace flourish between us.

I planted the five seeds in containers on my front deck & along my front path for Career/Lifepath, reflecting upon both the limits of the vessel for growth and the ease to nurture & tend to those seeds as a result, and how to apply to my own profession now.

The Self-Knowledge corner kisses my other neighbor's Helpful People spot. A rambling rose grows from my yard, through and along the fence, into their yard. Let my wisdom be helpful, rambling rose that I am.

I move to the backyard, along the fence which hosts Family/Ancestors, and before pushing each round seed into the dark moist earth, I take a moment to say each my grandparent's names, and my dearest Aunt who still lives in Italy, inspiring me with her adventuresome travels despite going blind.

Moving into Power/Wealth, the prayer seems more potent. I plant the seeds in between the Sweet William & the Primula (my little winter cabbages, as I like to think of them), which are looking quite perky after the recent rains, deep fuscia & burgundy blossoms with a touch of yellow at the center. I name my five intentions for my business, visualizing their growth over the next year.

By now the cats have noticed I'm in the yard, and have abandoned the gopher posts to assist me in circumnavigating the garden. I take the time to pet & pamper my sweet familiars, right there in Fame/Reputation. There is no doubt I will always be known as a cat lover...

I reach Love/Union/Marriage. I audibly sigh as I reflect upon all the good work I have done in this power spot. It has been more than nine months since I last had any interest in a partnership, let alone dating & mating, and I find myself rededicating myself to my lost goddess, Aphrodite. I am ready to love again. I chuckle to myself as I contemplate watering & nourishing my beloved seeds - here's one place maybe I do need some Miracle Grow.

Let these be
The Seeds of Change
The Seeds of Peace
The Seeds of Love
The Seeds of Hope
and Seed Money...

I complete my circle, I come to the center, and find myself in a patch of pale winter sunlight, the dark rain clouds laughing in the background. It is Lunar Imbolc - 6 weeks from Solstice, six weeks til Equinox. I am this sharp edge of shifting light, and I find myself laughing - laughing with delight.

May all your heartfelt wishes blossom.

Blessed Be.

Letter from Joanna Macy

October 27, 2008

Dear People,

Well, it's happened. The financial meltdown so long predicted has begun for real. Even if we knew it had to happen, it's scary. Stock markets crashing, foreclosures skyrocketing, the biggest banks going belly up, jobs disappearing. With so much suffering for so many, and more losses foretold, it's hard not to feel the panic.

I'm scared of what that panic will do to our country--corroding our trust in each other and in the future, when we need it for the Great Turning. At moments I feel fear about my own life, wondering what it will mean for Fran's and my work for the world, if the cushion of savings he's so carefully husbanded evaporates.

So I am grateful for teachers who, at just the right moment, remind me to hold a larger perspective. Here are three who have been of particular help: Minqi Li, Robert Reich, and Granny D.

Minqi Li is economics professor at University of Utah. He shook me awake to the realization that this economic collapse, far worse than anything since 1929, is what life on this planet needs for the survival of complex life-forms. He says that in order to cut greenhouse gas emissions sufficiently to avoid irreversible climate disaster, "the world economy must contract at a historically rapid clip--at an annual rate of -1 to -3.4 % between now and 2050…. Economic growth will have to be thrown into reverse."

The retrenchment he sees as necessary is about 55% over a span of 40 years; that is what occurred over four years in the Great Depression. As Stan Cox of AlterNet points out, everything depends on how the economic contraction is handled. If chaotic efforts are made to restore capital accumulation, life on Earth will continue to deteriorate. To cure the malignant economic growth that we've unleashed, new ways of thinking and acting must come from the bottom up and from both hemispheres of this ailing planet. The turbulent times that lie ahead may offer the opening we've been waiting for.

According to Robert Reich, Secretary of Labor under Clinton, the "deep recession" he foresees is the direct result of the economic inequality we've created. His analysis suggests that this economic failure is the price of moral failure.

The top 1 percent of American earners take home about 20 percent of total national income. Reich says the last time that happened was 1928; after that the economy caved in. "The wealthy," he reflects, "devote a smaller percentage of their earnings to buying things than the rest of us because, after all, they're rich and already have most of what they want. Instead of buying, they're more likely to invest their earnings wherever around the world they can get the highest return… The underlying problem of such imbalance in earnings has been masked for years: first by sending more women into the work force, till working mothers with school-age children almost doubled since 1970, to more than 70 percent. The second coping mechanism was working more hours, till Americans became veritable workaholics, putting in 350 more hours a year than the average European. Then came a third way of coping: to borrow... But now with the bursting of the housing bubble, we've reached the end of our ability to borrow, just as lenders have reached the end of their capacity to lend. That means there's not enough purchasing power in the economy to buy all the goods and services it's producing.

"We're finally reaping the whirlwind of widening inequality and ever more concentrated wealth… The long-term answer is for America to invest in its working people--health insurance, good schools and higher education, while also investing in the clean-energy technologies of the future, and adopting progressive taxes at federal, state and local levels. Call it bottom-up economics. It would be a sad irony of the Wall Street bailout robs us of the resources we need in order to do that."

Nine years ago at the age of 90, Doris Haddock, known as Granny D, walked 3,200 miles across the country to promote limits to corporate rule. Two weeks ago in Philadelphia, she shared her memories of the Great Depression and urged us to stop viewing it as a time of horror.

"Maybe we were hungry sometimes, but did we starve? No, because we had our friends and family and the earth to sustain us. Our memories of that time are more round and golden than sharp-edged. My husband Jim made an ice rink from a little meadow, and he made a few dollars extra those winters of the Depression. I learned to put on one-woman plays and performed in women's clubs here and there, making the rest of what we needed. We were fountains of creativity. We were fountains of friendship to our neighbors. As a nation, we were a mighty river of mutual support."

Read on. Granny D's words are such wonderful medicine for us all right now that I'll not interrupt her till I sign off.

"Imagination! Let me suggest that a generation raised on books and storytelling, where one's own imagination had to fill in the colors and details, made us a generation quite able to imagine marvelous ways to fill our family dinner table in those years. Let me suggest that the power of imagination was essential to the rise of all the grand improvements we achieved for each other and called our New Deal. Imagination allows the citizen and the politician to connect with people of every situation and condition.

"The foundation of right-wing politics is a grand absence of imagination. If you cannot imagine what people need until it happens to you, then I suggest you have never read a mystery book under your covers by flashlight…

"I want to tell you - especially if you are young and have not experienced true hard times - that there is nothing much to it, if you will insist on creatively and ferociously loving the friends and neighbors around you. And fifty or seventy years from now, if you are blessed with a long life, you will count those years as being some of your best, as indeed I do…

"Fear for the loss of material things is but the jitters of an addict, and the jitters go away once we relax into whatever new world we find ourselves come into…

"If you own stocks, you own a small percentage of the nation's economy. It's like owning a family business. Some years your shares will be worth a lot, some years they will not. But they are your piece of the action and you should hold onto it. You might even use the current low prices as an opportunity to increase your share of the pie.

"Our real challenge is not the disaster caused by the deregulation of Wall Street, for which my friend Senator McCain must answer, but instead it is the dislocations -- economic, food supply, coastline and weather dislocations -- caused by our continued use of fossil fuels and the resulting warming of our atmosphere that is our real emergency and the true challenge for our character.

"And I want you to understand that you must see beyond the distraction of these present headlines to the true challenges ahead, which have little to do with Wall Street and everything to do with changing the very ways we live, so that intelligent life on earth might prosper and survive."

Amen!

Yours in glad solidarity,

Joanna

Today’s Tarot Reading

I am the fool - And I am complete as I put the last piece in place
I am the fool - And I attract my lover to the highest octave
I am the fool - And I think about the source of happiness
I am the fool - And I feel the flowering of my abundant feelings
I am the fool - And I show my structures crumbling
I am the fool - And I analyze my maturity daily
I am the fool - And I no longer compromise in my relations
I am the fool - And I transform my politics
I am the fool - And I seek living moment to moment
I am the fool - And I use the tiger of success
I am the fool - And I’m different through my break through
I am the fool - And I transcend my concept of courage

I am the fool - And I step lightly, gaily
free into the vast unknown, blithe in my ignorance
of all new beginnings

kgr, August 2004

Thoughts on Work

I just finished reading The Four Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss, which was recommended by one of my colleagues. There are some great ideas and excellent resources in this book, although it does tend to smack of yet another get "new rich" quick scheme. I am well aware that the author is only in his early thirties, and it remains to be seen just how sustainable his finances and lifestyle plan really is in the long run.

I think I would have been more convinced if the author hadn't bragged about winning his kick boxing championship by merely pushing his opponents off the ring, but who am I to look a gift loophole in the mouth. He has an entertaining website complete with worksheets to create your NR (New Rich) lifestyle, blogs & twitters on his latest escapades, which makes me wonder if he's bored without meaningful work to wake up to in the mornings.

I did get a lot out of the 80/20 rule. 80% of your profits come from 20% of your clients - send them love letters, if not chocolate (my advice, not Mr. Ferriss'). 80% of your problems come from 20% of your clients - fire them. Delete them from your mailing lists, etc, stop wasting time, money & effort. I can't tell you how good it has felt to fire a few of my clients, especially when I calculate the emotional price I have paid.

I loved Mr. Ferriss' break down on minimizing emails and his advice to simply avoid as many meetings as possible, and have switched as much of my work to be more remote as well as to create a more mobile & efficient work environment. Already my life is simpler. Now if I could only get my virtual assistant to take my mother out to lunch instead of me, my life would be perfect.

Spirit Razor

Today

I tattooed passion
Across my chest
Feeding my heart
My hummingbirds
And double happiness

The needle skipped over my ribs
Close to the bone
The pain shot up my arm
Like the symptoms of a heart attack

Spirit Razor
Inscribing my flesh
With the passion of a Christ
At least Jesus loves me

Later I pruned the dead azalea
Cut out the faded bamboo
Encouraged the jade
To stay succulent

I ripped apart the mattress
Soaked with the sweat
Of death and nightmares
Back to the earth
It is the time of Virgo

I sort through the chaff
And harvest my abundance
I am discriminating
And I am Whole
Unto Myself
Today

kgr, August 2004