Thoughts on Happiness

Happy: characterized by or indicative of pleasure, content, or gladness; delighted, pleased

(My friend found this left by accident in a photocopy machine and gave it to me. I decided to sit and make a list & wrote the following.)

What makes me happy? When do I feel happy? How will I make myself by happy?

1. Looking things up in the dictionary makes me happy
2. Journaling, writing, blogging makes me happy
3. Drawing, sketching, painting makes me happy
4. Organizing and being efficient makes me happy
5. Gardening makes me happy
6. Walking makes me happy
7. ZUMBA makes me REALLY happy lately
8. Biking makes me happy
9. Rollerskating makes me happy
10. Dancing makes me happy
11. Singing out loud makes me happy
12. Listening to new music makes me happy
13. Listening to people makes me happy
14. Telling jokes & stories makes me happy
15. My car (& it's gas mileage) makes me happy
16. Talking with Mango makes me happy
17. Playing with Poppy makes me happy
18. Snuggling with Sharkey Rue makes me happy
19. Brainstorming on meta tags with Amber makes me happy
20. Going to the Boardwalk makes me happy
21. Stretching makes me happy
22. Eating sushi makes me happy
23. Eating chocolate makes me happy
24. Masturbating makes me wake up happy every day
25. Reading erotica makes me happy
26. Watching erotica makes me happy
27. Reading science fiction makes me happy
28. Keeping things clean & tidy makes me happy
29. Making it all beautiful makes me happy
30. Being massaged makes me happy
31. Having sex makes me feel good
32. Doing rituals makes me happy
33. Building altars makes me happy
34. Chanting makes me happy
35. Memorizing prayers makes me happy
36. Releasing old energy - mental, emotional or physical clutter - makes me happy
37. Being tattooed makes me happy
38. Having piercings makes me happy
39. Dressing femmy makes me happy
40. Getting my hair cut by Pati makes me really happy
41. Smoking the kindness makes me happy
42. Drinking wine makes me happy
43. But I really prefer beer, making my Buddha belly happy
44. Laughing - belly laughs in particular makes me happy
45. Jokes - verbal & practical jokes makes me happy
46. Romance makes me happy
47. Being in love makes me happy
48. Poetry makes me happy
49. Writing love letters & making cds makes me happy
50. Sharing my heart & telling my truths makes me happy
51. Concerts makes me happy
52. Going to plays, ballet, theater makes me happy
53. Going to the flea market makes me happy
54. Going to Women's Morning at Kiva - sauna & hot tubs - makes me happy
55. Being a big dyke makes me happy
56. Being out, loud & proud makes me happy
57. Wearing essential oils makes me happy
58. Wearing my jewelery makes me happy
59. Wearing any clothes I want to makes me happy
60. Wearing skirts & dresses makes me happy
61. Doing tarot & astrology readings makes me happy
62. Doing workshops & lectures makes me happy
63. Doing Reiki & hypnosis makes me happy
64. Playing on my website & virtual store makes me happy
65. Being good at business & marketing makes me happy
66. Connecting with other professionals makes me happy
67. Feeling respected as a business woman makes me happy
68. Being a part of a team makes me happy
69. Having breakfast with Dr. Z makes me happy
70. Taking care of my body makes me happy
71. Fantasizing makes me happy
72. Paying for amber's school makes me happy
73. Volunteering at her school makes me happy
74. Going back to school myself makes me happy
75. Playing softball, going to the batting cages, and the after game hang outs all make me happy
76. Feeling myself improve & get stronger makes me happy
77. Feeling in control of my life makes me happy
78. Buying used books & music at Logos makes me happy
79. Reconnecting with Andrea makes me happy (delta delta!)
80. Buying art books for inspiration makes me happy
81. Lighting fires in my wood stove makes me happy
82. My brown & white polka dot dress I wore for Pride makes me happy
83. The coral reef bathroom makes me happy
84. Living with my excellent housemate makes me happy
85. My alone time makes me happy
86. Office supplies makes me happy
87. The smell of band aids & freshly peeled bumper stickers make me happy
88. The fact that I have follow through makes me happy
89. Leaving myself love messages on the answering machine makes me happy
90. Cheesy poofs make me happy
91. Watching Scrubs on DVD makes me happy
92. Going through my photo albums with someone makes me happy
93. Sharing my poetry & journals with someone makes me happy
94. Decorating everything makes me happy
95. Painting the back fence makes me happy
96. Taking hot baths makes me happy
97. Taking long showers makes me happy
98. Hot coffee makes me ridiculously happy
99. Chai makes me chappy
100. Having & using sex toys makes me happy
101. Going to music festivals makes me happy
102. Traveling makes me happy
103. Camping makes me happy
104. Hanging out with Jen (my Idol) makes me happy
105. Being friends with the local barristas makes me happy
106. The Grateful Dead makes me happy
107. Making stickers & passing them out at shows makes me happy
108. Taking mind altering substances occasionally makes me happy
109. Lighting a candle everyday makes me happy
110. Being connected with Mom again makes me happy
111. Angel cards, Medicine cards, Affirmations all add to my happiness
112. Playing guitar makes me happy
113. Having money in the bank makes me happy
114. Having all my bills & taxes paid makes me happy
115. Creating lists & then checking things off makes me happy
116. Buying myself flowers makes me happy
117. Believing in Magic makes me happy
118. Being a Priestess makes me happy
119. Being a Mom makes me happy
120. Being lovers makes me happy
121. Being a wife makes me happy
122. Being a fairy mermaid at heart makes me happy
123. Having Elizabeth as my soul sister makes me happy
124. Knowing I give my best in my love relationships makes me happy
125. Being kind makes me happy
126. Practicing forgiveness makes me feel happier
127. Hugging & being hugged makes me happy
128. Kissing & being kissed makes me happy
129. Holding hands makes me ridiculously happy
130. Believing in myself in those hard moments, like changing the fluorescent bulbs at Herland all by self, or washing the bedroom windows by myself, makes me happy
131. Clean windows makes me happy
132. Not feeling addicted to anything makes me happy
133. Folks buying my artwork makes me happy
134. My friend Ginger makes me happy
135. Putting fairy messages inside my bills makes me happy
136. Doing my own book keeping makes me happy
137. Creating my own ads & other graphic design makes me happy
138. Working by myself makes me happy
139. Going down to the ocean makes me happy
140. Making lists like this makes me happy
141. Taking naps makes me happy
142. Remembering my dreams makes me happy
143. Being friends with Jill again makes me happy
144. The yellow paint on the wall by the stairs makes me happy every single day
145. The rainbows from the crystals in the windows make me happy
146. Freshly grated Parmesan cheese makes me happy
147. Being with Dad makes me happy
148. Mike the Dragon makes me happy
149. My beautiful new, queen size bed, with the "Sacred Plush" mattress makes me happy
150. My peachy keen bedroom
151. My new curtains makes me happy

How about you? What makes you happy? Add to the list...

Garden of my Mind

Hypnosis Session
Situation: Breaking up
Inner conflict: Did I make the right decision?
Trance: Polarity work
Vision:

In my left hand
in a clump of dirt
was a tiny baby plant
with little green leaves and fragile white roots

I had pulled it out
So I put it back in the soil
And watched
As a huge dandelion weed
took over the garden

In my right hand
A packet of seeds
Spilled California poppies
Into my tingling palm

After throwing the seedling
Into the green cycle
I spread my favorite seeds
seeds of peace, seeds of love, seeds of hope
Throughout the fertile
Garden of my mind....

Happy Gay Pride Month!

Come out, Come out, whoever you are!

Mercury Retrograde

Way back in the day, when I worked at Aries Arts down in Capitola Village with my soul sister Emma, our boss Joanne would always call this period Mercury Retrospect (bless her heart). As appropriate as that actually is, sometimes I think of it as Mercury Retrofuck. However it is that you get through this time, remember to take nothing personally, plan for delays, and to quote from the play 8x10 Glossy:

Do what moves you and rationalize in retrospect.

from Rambling Rose News:
Astrochat:
Mercury Retrograde

Mercury retro in Gemini at 22 degrees from May 26 to June 13 (stationary direct at 13 degrees Gemini), reaching origination on July 4 (Happy Independence day!).

Back up your computers, clean out your files, check contracts three times before signing, and review, review, review. Take nothing personally as extremes in communication are to be expected in this time period. Make way for new growth on all levels of your being.

For more information contact your local astrologer.

My Notes from "The Secret"

Thoughts become things by emitting frequencies
Feel it on every level of your being
Whether you are remembering, creating, observing or imagining

Focus only on the positive
Bring yourself to a higher Vibration
Think it Speak it Attract it

Be a Babe Magnet Be a Money Magnet
Be rich in time
and take the time to Breathe, Stretch, Exercise & Be Healthy
Be a health magnet
Attract your teachers
Attract your healers
Be gentle & kind
Be passionate & alluring
That's where the fun begins...

Use your emotional guidance system to know what you are thinking
Choose miracles over grief
Choose what feels good, that higher frequency - it is in alignment
The better you feel, the more in alignment you are...

Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming
Begin to feel healthy
Begin to feel love
Begin to feel prosperity

What are you continually, predominantly feeling?
The Universe will correspond with the nature of your song

The Universe will correspond with the nature of your song
And manifest... because that's the way you feel
The more you feel good, the more you'll attract things that make you feel good -
and keeps on raising the good vibrations

Your Wish is my Command
Ask for what you want
The Universe will answer to the thought you have set in motion
You don't need to know how-
You will be shown the way

Bring yourself in alignment with what you are asking for in order to receive
If you feel joy, you are in alignment
If you feel despair, you are not

What will help me generate the feelings of having it now so that I can attract it to me now? Hypnosis, Visualization, Meditation, Art, Collage, Music, Dance, Sing

Make a list of what you are thankful for, be grateful for what makes you feel good
What you think about and thank about you bring about

Feel the Gratitude
Focus on what you already have
Feel grateful to attract more good feelings

Visualize
then Materialize
If you've been there in your mind, you will get there in the body

Only dwell upon the end result

Put yourself in the feeling place Feel the joy Feel the happiness
The inner seeing is the Doorway
put yourself in the feeling of Being

Turn it over to the Universe and be amazed at the magic and miracles delivered to your door

Do it daily, but never as a chore
You should be high, happy and in tune
You will habituate this process
And live a magical life

Decide what you want
Believe you can have it
Believe you deserve it
Believe it's possible for you

Close your eyes, every day for several minutes, and feel the feelings of already having that. Come out & focus on what you are grateful for, and really enjoy it. Go into your day and release it to the Universe, and trust that the Universe will know how to manifest it

Act as if it's true
When you have an inspired thought, act on it
Intend it
Checks are coming in the mail

Money comes frequently and easily
Life is meant to be abundant in all areas
Go for inner joy and inner peace, and the outside manifestations will appear

Enjoy your own company
Treat yourself well
Kiss yourself
Love yourself
See your magnificence

If you knew your potential to feel good,
you would ask no one to be different so that you can feel good.
Free yourself of the need to control
You are the only one who creates your reality

You can change your life, and you can heal your body
you become what you think about-
What you resist, persists

Be Pro-Love Pro-Money Pro-Health Pro-Peace

Learn to be still and place your attention on what you wish to experience
There is more than enough

Remove your attention from the things you do not want
Give your undivided attention to the things you do want

Energy

Wouldn't right now be the perfect time for change?
What are you going to do now?

Everything goes right for me. I feel younger every day.

My primary aim is to experience
Joy

Inner happiness is the fuel to
Success

Welcome to plant Earth
Feel Good.

My notes from watching The Secret, 2006

Pantry Hose

Once when my daughter was eight, she comes home and says she has just made up a joke:

A man is walking down the street, and he sees another a man who is wearing panty-hose. The panty hose is stuffed full of food. The man asks, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have food inside your panty hose?” The man looks at him, and says, “Because they’re not panty hose, they’re pantry-hose.”

Gives new meaning to fruit of the loom!

I Dwell

Romantic Notions Series
"I Dwell"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

Trust Walk

Last night I sat on my rooftop
watching the silvery moon casting shadows
in the garden below~

I wonder who you are~
what are you doing right now~
do you see the same moon that I do?
Do you make the same wishes that I do?

I am seeking you, yet sitting still.
I'm waiting for you, but active in my steps.
Trust walk through the labyrinth~

I know you're just around the next bend~
I just don't know when this corridor will end.

Stronger than Before

Broke my arm
Broke my heart
On the mend
On the mend

Broke my arm
Broke my heart
Heal and mend
Heal and mend

Healed my arm
Healed my heart
Stronger than before
Stronger than before

Strong arms
Strong heart
Stronger than before
Stronger than before

kgr 2005

At Fruit

Last night as I danced
Swaying with the guitar
Pulsing with the horns
I crossed my arms
Over my belly
And thought of you
While my fingers tapped
My hipbones

kgr, Equinox 2004

Reading your Chart

It was midnight
By the time we reached the 12th house
And that’s when
The truth spilled out

There in
The witching hour
That’s when I watched you
Regain your power

kgr, October 2003

Lake Aquadyke

Another Santa Cruz Moment

As I cried in your car
A random woman’s conversation floated in
“When will you realize you're adequate?”

And I thought, today
I am not just adequate
I am an aqueduct...

I outflow with plenty
to generate new channels
of energy

kgr, October 2003

Whatever you do...

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

available from Rambling Rose Studios

A Little Sweetness

Today

Somebody told me I was precious
Somebody gave me a strawberry
Somebody kissed my third eye

Today
I enjoyed a little sweetness
And remembered
My worth

National TSP Day

I came back from my morning walk to find Amber just arousing from bed. "What's up, hon?" I asked, kicking off my shoes & plopping on the couch.

"Not much," she said, "Just texting Jill. She wanted to know why there was no school today, so I wrote: Dunno - must be Teacher Suicide Prevention Day."

The kid cracks me up.

Today's Tarot Card: Projections

In a cinema hall, you look at the screen, you never look at the back--the projector is at the back. The film is not there really on the screen; it is just a projection of shadow and light. The film exists just at the back, but you never look at that. And the projector is there. Your mind is at the back of the whole thing, and the mind is the projector. But you always look at the other, because the other is the screen. When you are in love the person seems beautiful, no comparison. When you hate, the same person seems the ugliest, and you never become aware of how the same person can be the ugliest and the same person can be the most beautiful.... So the only way to reach to truth is to learn how to be immediate in your vision, how to drop the help of the mind. This agency of the mind is the problem, because mind can create only dreams.... Through your excitement the dream starts looking like reality. If you are too excited then you are intoxicated, then you are not in your senses. Then whatsoever you see is just your projection. And there are as many worlds as there are minds, because every mind lives in his own world.
- Osho Hsin Hsin Ming: The Book of Nothing

Commentary:
The man and woman in this card are facing each other, yet they are not able to see each other clearly. Each is projecting an image they have constructed in their minds, covering the real face of the person they are looking at. All of us can get caught up in projecting movies of our own making onto the situations and people surrounding us. It happens when we are not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgments; instead of taking responsibility for them and owning them, we try to attribute them to others. A projection can be devilish or divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projection nonetheless--a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is. The only way out is to recognize the game. When you find a judgment arising about another, turn it around: Does what you see in others really belong to you? Is your vision clear, or clouded by what you want to see? (from Osho Zen Tarot: the Transcendental Game of Zen)

Truly Obscene

Gas hit $4.01 here yesterday!

Money Tree Meditation

Money Tree Meditation

• Draw a tree (or copy one of these) with branches reaching into the sky, and roots going into the earth. What kind of tree comes to mind? Oak, bamboo, willow, fir, pine... notice which feels right to you. Make it simple, add a little grass or a backdrop with mountains, whatever you like.

• In the trunk of the tree, put in your face or whole being, a favorite quote or affirmation, the meditation below or even just the words, “I am the Source”.

• In the branches, write in all your sources of abundance, including income, trades, dividends, inheritances, gifts, alimony, all other sources of financial support, etc.

• In the roots, write in all your resources, including education, past jobs, family, property, investments, fields of expertise, experience, etc.

• For the leaves, go around each branch with a green pen and make dollar signs. Cover it!

• In the mountains, write in your financial goals and dreams.

• In the grass, write in what you are providing to the universe, for example:
• I provide food, clothing & shelter for myself & my family
• I provide space and energy for my clients
• I provide jobs in my community, from restaurants to utility services
• My taxes provide for community services including schools, parks, roads,& health care
• I provide stability for myself, knowing the seasons turnings.

I am a

Money Tree.
I am the Source.
I let go of suckers, prune away dead wood,
make room for new growth.
I dig my roots deep into the rich soil and
open my leaves to the rich air
to draw in what I need

to grow and blossom into my fullest potential.
In return I give my gifts generously,
knowing my thoughts & ideas
are like the leaves on the tree -
I let go and give the gift of usable energy.
I am provide shade and beauty,
a place to nest, and
a way to recycle, renew & revive.

Blessed Be.

The Emperor Wears No Clothes

The Emperor Wears No Clothes
Collage
8.5" x 11.00"
kgr 2007

IV-The Emperor: (Traditional meaning) Represents the male side of nature. usually shown seated on a throne, dressed in formal robes or armor, signifying material wealth through inner strength. He is an authority who holds power and represents the desire to take control of life. He has the ability to organize and structure, to create order out of chaos, and to realize goals through the courage of convictions.

Symbolism:

3 Stages of Man
Boy, flying high in the sky, in perfect trust and faith
Father, Naked in his Truth, Splendid in his Being
Elder, “Growing old is not for sissys”

Eagle: Soar with Great Spirit, Take Heart, Follow Joy
Stag: Gentle Warrior of the Hidden Glen
Bear: Go within to find the answers
Salmon: Rejuvenate, Regenerate, Re energize, Rebirth
Lion: Take Proper Pride in Your Self
Frog: Cleanse and refresh with your tears in the rain
Goat: Climb the mountain of your ambitions
Chanticleer: Sing in the new dawn
Turtle: Be at Home in water or land, Be grounded on Mother Earth
Beaver: Make today count towards manifesting your goals
Skunk: Attract what you need in order to grow
Snake: Transmute old poisons & shed the skins of the past
Peacock: Be the Jewel in Crown Chakra
Key: Hope, Imagine, Believe: Open all Possibilities

Blessed Be!

Thoughts on Elephants

I was doing some spring cleaning, going through a bunch of old schoolwork in Amber's room. In a typical homework session for the first grade, the final assignment was to write one sentence about elephants—in the zoo, at the circus, whatever. I flipped to the last section, where she had neatly printed her sentence,

“I have nothing to say about elephants.”

Just for today

Just for today
I let go of anger,
knowing I can gently express my inner needs
I let go of worry,
choosing to trust that I have been heard
I am deeply thankful,
to a kind and benevolent universe
I am focused on my work
in creative & productive ways
I am kind and loving,
to myself and all beings.

Blessed Be.

The Blogging Blues

Woke up this morning
With nothing to say
Woke up feelin empty
Nothing to post today
Woke up wondering
What am I to do?
Woke up this morning with
A bad case of the
The blogging blues...

Have nothing to comment
Not even a reply
Nothing to say
To that polyamourous guy
Have no pics to upload
Not even a quote or two
Woke up this morning with
A bad case of the
The blogging blues...

Nothing to google
What can I say?
Even my new jokes
Seem so rusty today
The truth is that nothing
Has seemed just right
Since you left my blog
Since you left my site
Can’t think of a limerick
Or even a haiku
Woke up this morning with
A bad case of the
The blogging blues...

Saw I had a new watcher
Found it hard to care
Cuz it’s not your hairy eyeball
Giving me the stare
Someone signed my guest book
But I just want to link to you
Woke up this morning with
A bad case of the
The blogging blues...

kgr 2008

The Power of Journaling

The Power of Journaling - notes from lecture, Spring 2004

“The most important promises are the ones I make to myself.”
- Maryanne Radmacher

• I use tarot & astrology as a daily meditation tool, to focus on my career, my relationships, and my creativity. They serve as moment in my journey where I look at the map of my life and decide which direction to take. But I don’t just stay stuck looking at the map - journaling is one of the steps I take to put into action what I have been contemplating.

• You can have many different kinds of journals, that you write in at different times of your life. Just as your checkbook is a record of your spending habits, journals can reflect your patterns and serve as a reminder of the positive “emotional deposits”.

• Kinds of journals: Business notes, daily affirmations, dreams (night and day), poetry, sketches, coloring books, blank books or notebook paper put into a binder, a photo album or scrap books, engagement calenders.

• Who is your audience? Well, you, of course, but it also could be your children, your spouse or lover, your business colleagues, your therapist, your best friend.

• Privacy: there is so much temptation to read someone else’s journal. When my lover read mine, i stopped writing for 5 or 6 years. When getting divorced, I read my wife’s journal and found out things I really didn’t want to know. Talk about Pandora’s box.

• There is a lot of power in writing in your journal (or on loose leaf paper) all your thoughts and feelings, and then burning or otherwise destroying them. Recently I drew a horrible picture of myself being controlled by my last lover - it was quite a relief to destroy it.

• Time: even just five minutes a day can grow into a disciplined practice (like flossing your teeth or exercise). This is time for YOU, time to focus on achieving something you desire. keeping a little notebook in your bag is helpful for those odd moments of standing in the bank line. Putting the TV on mute and jotting down thoughts during commercials can reactivate your brain waves.


• Your other favorite tool is your PEN: do you like blue or black ink? Pencil? Colored pencils? Markers? Paints? I highly recommend crayons...

• Or blogging? Having an online journal is a whole other lecture unto itself...

• To quote from the 5 of Wands card - Keep your expression flowing. Stop editing yourself and let go of concern about what comes out. Be playful. The openness of play allows for inventiveness and newness in a way that high expectations do not. (from The Tarot of Transformation by Willow Arlenea & Jasmin Lee Cori)

• You are writing your story and you can change your story - one exercise I did was to divide the page into columns and in the first write a sentence that begins “I wish...” the second column is the same sentence that starts with “I will”. This takes you out of wishful thinking into your will power, because it pushes you to the next step of figuring out HOW to achieve your goal. Examples:

I wish I had more money to I WILL have more money
I wish I was friends with my ex to I WILL be friends with my ex
I wish I had more tome to write in my journal to I WILL have more time to write in my journal

• Other exercises:
- Goals in the next month, year, five years
- List what you are afraid of. Burn it.
- List what makes you happy. Keep it.
- Pull a tarot card, medicine (animal) card, or angel card. Sketch it.
- Cartoons of you
- Songs, poems, quotes by others that inspire you
- Same as above, go from “I fear...” to “I wonder...”
- Pure color (finger painting)
- Create a couples journal, or a friendship journal
- That letter you would never send
- Who am I?
- Love letters to yourself

• Some book recommendations:
Earth Art Critters coloring books by Sue Coccia
The Coloring Book for Big Girls by Sudie Rukusin
When Your Heart Speaks, Take Good Notes: The Healing Power of Writing by Susan Borkin
The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity -- by Julia Cameron
The Creative Journal by Lucia Capacchione

“Turn your wish bone, daughter, into a back bone”
- author unknown

Journal samples from google

Being in the moment

It is a sunny Friday morning, sitting at the Windmill Coffee spot, spoiling myself with a hot, buttery croissant and a fatty mug of creamy mocha over my usual frugal breakfast of a small coffee. This week the theme seemed to be “enjoy the moment” - I laugh, because as I was driving Amber to school I kept thinking about being in this cafe blogging, instead of enjoying our car moment together. When my goodies arrived, I wanted to start blogging - “I’m doing this right now”- but was I? I pushed the laptop away, took the time to dip each buttery morsel into the chocolate tinged whipped cream, and contemplated the particular burgundy the walls are painted, the sound of reggae from the kitchen, the quality of the early springtime light out on the dappled deck.

How do we enjoy the moment, stay in the moment? What the hell is “the moment”? This second/minute/hour that I write? Or is it the second/minute/hour that you read this?

I can see a black raven, then it is gone. I have a moment when I question myself - did that really happen? - my mind filters the importance of this fact or fiction, the meaning of a real bird, the personal symbolism I attach to ravens and I chuckle - raven says, don’t over analyze.

The sooner I fall behind
The more time I have to catch up

I was sick with the stomach flu for five days last week. I feel like I lost a chunk of my life, and that I’m playing the “catch up” game. I have to say, I love my lists. Lists help me me efficient & organized, and end up with huge chunks of time doing absolutely nothing. The ability to create a list that allows one to continuously re-prioritize without having projects fall through the cracks is one of the greatest tools I think I have at times. I have a “List of Lists” file is my computer that includes my daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly lists; spreadsheets of schedules for both Amber & myself; Long term goals and vision statements; house rules; and various business plans.

The Tao of Homecaring
Time to dust again
Time to caress my (space)
to stroke all its surfaces

I want to think of it as a kind of lovemaking
...the chance to appreciate by touch
What I live with and cherish.
—Gunilla Norris

Wednesday I spent the day doing chores: trash and recycling, dishes & laundry, cleaned the bathrooms & kitchen, vacuumed out the furnace and went for a gorgeous walk to buy a new filter. It was one of those “being in the moment” moments, or as Dr. Z would say, “being in the puddle of my miracle”. I was so deeply in love in that moment - I was loving Santa Cruz, the color of the flowers in the field by the railroad tracks, the sound of distant traffic on Mission street, the fact that there still was a local hardware store. All day I floated around, loving my house, loving my body, getting things done in a joyous way so I never felt like I worked my chores, just played house instead.

Little bird, little robin
Help me build my nest
Little bird, little robin,
show me your breast
Little bird, little robin
Help me build my nest
Little bird, little robin
You bring out my best

Coyote came a knockin,
Seven years ago
Coyote came a knockin’
Seven times now
Coyote came a knockin,
Seven years ago
Coyote came a knockin’
Seven times now

Little bird, little robin...
(kgr 2005)

In true Santa Cruz fashion, it is now raining. I have that moment of wondering who am I writing for, who is my audience. Do I write for myself, simply spewing out my thoughts in pixels instead of my old journal as part of my own introspection? Do I write for you, the disembodied other, who seems a million miles away and perhaps as fictitious as the raven. Do I write for an imaginary audience of adoring blog fans, who somehow derive comfort or insight from my ramblings, from the quotes of inspiration that have lit my own way so far.

It has been an interesting medium, the blog, as it spirals out like some sort of endless ticker tape, seemingly linear in form. Yet with links, comments, replies.... the ticker tape begins to widen and weave, split from itself and return, more mobius strip or endless double helix folding back on itself . Then there are postings of things I wrote, in the past or music lyrics in particular , how they seem to reflect my current situation.

Language is a virus
Transmitted orally...
-Laurie Anderson

This moment, this right now, this cafe, this is all so reminiscent to my being in my twenties, staying in Berlkeley for a couple of weeks with my best friend Ilana, between jobs, between houses, between lovers. How I relished that between time, spending my mornings browsing the used bookstore for fiction by African American women authors; spending the afternoon in one of the cafes, nursing my latte as I read an entire novel, or scribbled fragments of poetry in my journal, agonizing over all that a twenty year old agonizes over.

Osho writes that we experience bliss in the moments of transcendence, whether during sex or meditation. Our suffering comes from wanting that feeling to last forever...

On Monday we sat at the end of the wharf, watching the sunset, and I knew I was so deeply in love with you, with the moment, with the seals, with the teenagers hanging out at the corner, with my tears because I knew it was not going to last. When I’m with you each moment is so bittersweet, because I want to enjoy every last savory bit of bliss, but the longing to have it last forever overshadows me at times. I thought of every sunset I had watched with every lover, and felt so incredibly blessed to have been so loved in my lifetime, by so many people. And the truth is I much as I wanted each one to last forever, in that moment I could feel how the love is what is eternal, no matter what the form, no matter who I am with, as long as I enjoy the moment for exactly what it is: a moment.

Life can make you bitter,
Life can turn you cold
It seems I’ve spent most of my own
Just trying to crack the code
But if I die tomorrow
May the last words that I know
Be praises,
Praises for the world...
-Jennifer Berezan

Spinning Plates

Mercury seemed to go direct with a bang last week. In Aquarius, so traveling through my seventh house of relationships, and I ask myself, what have I learned and how do I apply what I have learned, as certainly I am feeling tested now.

My 24 year old house mate had a medicinal abortion last weekend. We blessed the pills before she swallowed the tabs, praying for an easy passage and a swift return to health. The day was spent monitoring her bleeding, cramps and nausea. We went for second vaginal ultrasound yesterday, getting the proverbial all clear.

My 32 year old soul sister showed up unexpectedly at the same time, in crisis over her deep urge to have a baby and her partner’s current ambivalence. We drove up and down the cliffs while she sobbed her heart out; I spoke my truths, advocated for her partner and in particular for his child, listened & offered sisterly advice. While some discussion has since ensued between them, it has been a long week of un satisfying phone conversations, and they still have much work ahead of them.

My kid is sick with a stomach bug, and I worry at the dark circles under her eyes. I always wonder what is really going on in her heart and mind. My therapist says she’s too busy growing up right now to process the crisis of the last year, and that later, in her twenties she’ll look back at this time. Sigh. Five more bucks in therapy jar.

I find myself in my usual pattern of running away to work, where I find solace in keeping the post it notes in order, archiving files, and creating more efficient lists. It’s nice to have an area where I feel in control, even if it’s just sorting the tacks from the paper clips. Chaos to order. Chaos to order.

I’m not completely compulsive-obsessive, and actually have been productive in my workaholic binge, mailing out fliers, updating records, doing my taxes, clearing my desk, making way for prosperity. In reviewing my past relationships I have come across a ton of old Herland material, which I’ll continue posting on the herlandbabes blog.

I was diagnosis with depression at fifteen—which runs in my family—a label I try hard not live up to. At this point I feel I have narrowed it down to feeling S.A.D - Seasonal Affective Disorder - and instead of 365 days of the year, I get depressed for 28, 29 on leap years. Yes, I am talking about February. Everyone who really knows me knows that I have a terrible time in February, and do everything I can to wait out the storm.

St. John’s Wort, allowing myself tons of sleep (12-14 hours) and living in sunny California have literally saved me from suicide or prozac. Meditating, masturbating, eating whatever I want to and when I want to, blogging, and processing my feelings with my close friends have all been beneficial to my mental well being. I have been doing acupuncture weekly to combat my left over bronchitis; chiropractic and  massage on a monthly maintenance schedule (Amber too); and quite simply, both self hypnoisis and reiki have changed my world.

And while this has easily been one of my best years ever, I can’t wait for this day to be over. Understand, in Santa Cruz, March 1 means Spring. Which, in California means Summer. Sure, it will rain some more and be blustery here and there, but it will be lighter later in the evenings, the buds will be blooming, and hot days will start outnumber the cold. I’ll want to exercise my body again, work in the garden, be social, and generally emerge from hibernating in my cave. And for next eleven months I’ll be in paradise, with another February behind me for a whole year.

Blessed Be.

Thoughts on Gandhi

We all know that Gandhi was a peaceful visionary who led a simple life. What some folks don’t know is what were some of the effects from his chosen lifestyle. For example, he walked barefoot, and his feet were often sore, despite toughening up. He ate little and a vegan diet, which caused him not only to feel weak at times, but also to have kinda bad breath. In essence, you could say that Gandhi was

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis...

Thoughts on the Presidency

It was a Saturday, Inauguration day, and my five year old and I were out for pizza downtown. “Look, Mom!” Amber cried excitedly, “Puppets!” Indeed, huge puppets of George Bush, along with papier-maché missiles, were being carried by protesters as they walked down Pacific. We quickly followed the parade to the town clock, where I tried to explain how every one there was angry at the people in power for putting money into armaments instead of education and health care. For the rest of the day she would ask me, “Momma, can you tell me more about missiles?”

Recently in an interview I was asked how did I plan on teaching my child about gender. Gender? How am I going to teach her about war? That day I tried as gently as I could to tell her about greed, and hatred, and killing, and testing bombs underneath mother earth…And I also talked about anger, and rage, and activism, and hope…

It is one thing to have your child ask about an atrocity, it is another when she asks you what you are doing about it. In the time of Georgie Porgie eroding women’s rights faster than you can say “Oh, Fuck!”, it is a gratifying experience to do some small political act like opening the doors of Herland everyday, and feeling that I serve a purpose. Blessed Be. (2001)

Boundaries

Boundaries. They are good. Use them. Here’s what our Goddess Oracle has to say, “Durga (Hindu goddess of boundaries) is here to assist you in nurturing wholeness by creating and fixing the limits of your physical space. Establishing clear boundaries is an act of self-love. Having no boundaries gives others the message that you are limitless and want to be treated in a limitless way... Durga says that boundaries are vital because they let others now who you are and where you stand.”

Chakra Balancing Meditation

I am balanced in my mind.

I am focused and engaged in creative and productive ways.

I am balanced in my vision.
I allow myself to dream and I follow through on my ideas.

I am balanced in my communication.
I listen attentively and I speak my truth compassionately.

I am balanced in my heart.
I am here to give love and I am here to receive love.

I am balanced in my belly.
I am beauty and I am laughter.

I am balanced in my boundaries.
I take in what I need and I let go of what no longer serves me.

I am balanced at the root of my being.
I attract what I need to grow and I fulfill all my desires.

Blessed Be.

Today's random piece of advice

Never sleep with anyone
crazier
than yourself

From the mouths of babes...

I asked my daughter if she thought that in the future, people would get little microchip implants that would transmit your thoughts directly into somebody else's head.

"Nah," she drawled, "People love the sound of their own voice too much!"

A Few Haikus

The grass is greener
in both the verdant future
and the past meadow.

In the pointing out
of the obvious, one's own
self doubts are revealed.

Listening to you
all I keep coming back to
I'm simply complex.

Yes, I do need another hole in my head...

I first got my earlobes pierced in 5th grade, when I was living in Luxembourg, of all places. It was 1976, punk was just blooming, mohawks were sprouting, and "splitting a pair" became the new bonding ritual.

By the time I started boarding school in England in the 7th grade, I already had five holes. I moved to America in 9th grade, when my brother got a hold of a piercing gun, and suddenly I had seven.

I pierced my nose (by myself, which I do not recommend) my second day in California, at the ripe age of twenty. Much later, when I owned my bookstore, we provided ear piercing services. Each new employee would need training, and I always had space, so over time I had a few more.

On my daughter's tenth birthday, after a treasure hunt filled with delicious clues & discovered jewels, I pierced both her ears & she pierced one of mine. Mother-daughter bonding at it's best, at least until we get matching tattoos.

Once I put a syringe needle all the way through my finger while giving my boyfriend his testosterone shot. I thought it would make an interesting piercing, albeit impractical.

I now have 12 in my left ear, 4 in the right, my nose pierced twice, and my labia once (that's another story). I let my nipple piercing close up after a year of never healing. I really do recommend going to a professional piercer who uses a needle over a piercing gun for anything other then your tender little lobes...

How many piercings do you have?

DAMN! I hate it when...

 My reality check
BOUNCES!

Recycled Valentine

Valentine for Romeo

It was a Sunday afternoon
After we had just first kissed
I felt that I could name
What is was that I missed
But still I felt afraid, I felt confused
Although that’s when I first knew
That I loved you

It was a moonlit night
And you were fast asleep
I reached to touch your lashes
My fingers brushed your cheek
I hoped that in your dreams
You could somehow hear
The words I longed to say
As I whispered in your ear
That I loved you

It was a bright October day
As we cruised along the coastline
Sitting on the back of your bike
I was feeling just fine
My hands were warm in your pockets
I was feeling quite proud
The roar of the wind made it safe
For me to practice saying out loud
That I loved you

Your smile lit up my world
But for so long I felt broken inside
I didn't know what to believe
I felt scared, I felt shy
But you touched me so tender and deep
I thought about you night and day
I felt a return of happiness and
I wanted to tell you in a thousand ways
That I loved you

You held me all through the night
You kissed away my tears
Your kindness gave me courage
Your patience dispels ,my fears
Now all I want to do, all I want to say
Is to hold you close each 7 every day
And to tell you in a voice loud and true
I love you, I love you
I love you...

February 1998

Been a little tied up lately...

I feel like I've been missing my blogdom. I was pretty gosh darn sick with the flu for quite awhile - but at least in my fevered state the desire for Brie & jello percolated in my frying brain cells and launched my blogging career on another site. Ask me about it over a beer sometime.

I have been busy creating a website for the office, as well as designing both a flyer for our lecture series and a brochure for our collective. Since I am a frustrated graphic designer at heart, many happy hours have been immersed in aligning texts, uploading photo's and scrutinizing punctuation marks. I look forward to mailing out my little creations, as I feel quite proud of my current office geek accomplishments.

Amber decided to make me a treasure hunt to cheer me up. She chose words as clues that led me around the house to discover a trove of antique buttons. Each room had it's own theme, but by far my favorite led right upstairs to my computer, with the single word: "Blog".

What are you doing to keep your spirits up?

The Day After the Elections

Today is the day after elections... I vote for more love, how about you?

There were several propositions - I voted YES on more laughter, YES on more fun and more spirituality. YES on health, YES on communication, YES on more sex and celebrating sexuality.

I voted NO on repeating old patterns, NO on being stuck in a rut, NO on depression and boredom.

I also voted:

Annie Sprinkle for President
and Starhawk for Vice President
and Megan McElroy for Senator
and Melissa Ferrick for Representative
Laurie Anderson for Governor
and Amber Rose for Mayor...

I vote for more love, and the tide will turn....

Prayer to Pluto

Dear Hades
Work for me now
I have spent nine long months
Descending into your realms
All has been transformed
I have danced with death
Again and again

My lovership died, my passion and companion
My friendships died, leaving me wide open and alone
My garden died, leaving me barren in places
My cat died, by my own two hands
My business died, and I still need to support myself...

Dear Hades
Work for me now
As you turn stationary direct
Let me ascend as Innana, Persephone
Let me be reborn
As I acknowledge your lessons
Again and again

My lover ignored me, and I was drowning in misery
My friends used me to perpetuate their addictions
My garden was riddled with termites and disease
My cat was sick and suffering from old age
My business was spiraling me deeper into debt

Dear Hades
Work for me now
I am no longer afraid
I have been stripped bare
I embrace my shadow
And find myself the virgin
Whole and complete
Again and again

I am my lover, my passion and companion
I am my friend, I bring out the best in me
I am my garden, mature and wise in my cycles
I am my cat, independent, loyal and playful
I am my business, loving and supporting my family

Dear Hades
Thank you for these lessons learned
I will apply them diligently
I will work with you now
No longer resisting your power
Or denying mine
I am phoenix from the flame
Again and again

New lover, come to me, passion and companion
New friends, come to me, let me share wide open and together
New seeds, come to me, fill my garden with abundance
New animal guide, come to me, feel the love of my two hands
New career, come to me, as I support my self and thrive

Dear Hades
Thank you for abducting me
Stripping me of my crown, my jewels
I stand naked
Knowing who I am
Again and again

I am dragon, I am rebel, I am grace of the swan
I am the wise crone and healing Chiron combined
I am my own garden of earthy delights
I am Aphrodite, Artemis and Amaterasu
I am Bast and Uzume, and I thank you

Thank you Hades
For Changing me
Into me...

Why I live here

Roses in January!

(pic from my garden a few days ago)

Love is Bigger than Hate

Here's a story from a few years ago:

I was in the process of selling my store, Herland: The WanderGround. And like all lesbians, of course it all about processing... I had made the decision to sell last January, and started to put the word out, in local papers and in radio interviews. As the news spread, several people contacted me to express their interest, and in July I had some potential buyers coming up for the weekend to begin negotiations.

In my Wednesday morning Leads group, our real estate agent gave a presentation on selling your home, and in particular her emphasis was on creating “curbside appeal” by making necessary repairs and improvements to make that oh-so-important good first impression. I had already done a lot of work on the inside of the store, clearing out clutter from the back room, sale pricing slower items, returning old consignment, replacing light bulbs, and donating overstock books to various organizations around the county. I have always had a lot of satisfaction and pride in how clean, organized, and just outright beautiful the store is, filled with interesting books, fabulous crafts and magical goodies. I decided to walk across the street to get some perspective on the appearance of the building itself, and made my little to-do list.

Friday morning I got busy - washing windows, cleaning cobwebs, sweeping the sidewalks, creating a new window display, and repotting the outside plants. I was already premenstrual, and could harness my slightly psycho energy to pour the love into sprucing up the storefront. I left feeling slightly exhausted, but very pleased at the amount of energy I had put into bringing out the best of the business.

Saturday morning, the stars were against me. I miscommunicated with Amber’s other parent on pick up time, I was running late for work, and by now I was getting cramps. Arriving at Herland, I was completely shocked and dismayed to discover the store had been vandalized overnight. Many of the plant containers had been kicked over, and lay smashed all over the sidewalk, soil and succulents strewn everywhere.

Jill was there to pick up Amber, and I was so glad to have a friend give me a hug right away. After having a little boo-hoo in the back room, I decided it’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do about it. I went outside and started to clean up the mess. Within minutes, two separate gentlemen came up to me to say how sorry they were to see the destruction. Later, a third man came into the store, also expressing his condolences, and to assure me that I did not deserve to be the victim of homophobia. As we shook hands, I thanked him for renewing my faith in Santa Cruz. In the afternoon, a woman came in carrying four new large terra cotta plant containers- her sister had driven by in the morning on her way out of town, and was outraged by the devastation. She asked her sister to buy me new containers and to deliver them for her.

Quite simply, this is why I live in here. I moved from feeling like an isolated victim to recognizing that while one asshole had decided to rain on my parade, five other people had gone out of their way to express their dismay at this injustice. It was a moment were I recognize that I am so blessed to be supported not just by the queer community, but the greater community of Santa Cruz. Now I am filled with gratitude to learn from this experience that love truly is bigger than hate.

Thoughts on Desire

The desire of the man is for the woman,
but the desire of the woman
is for the desire of the man.
- Madame de Stael

The path

to your
heart’s desire
is never
overgrown.
—Kigezi proverb, southwest Uganda

Nothing is sexier than being desired,
and the complete feeling of helplessness I get
when I am overwhelmed by my longing for someone...

-Anon

Desire

Main Entry: 1de·sire
Pronunciation: di-'zI(-&)r, dE-
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): de·sired; de·sir·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French desirer, from Latin desiderare, from de- + sider-, sidus heavenly body
transitive verb
1 : to long or hope for : exhibit or feel desire for (desire success)
2 a : to express a wish for : REQUEST (they desire an immediate answer) b archaic : to express a wish to : ASK
3 obsolete : INVITE
4 archaic : to feel the loss of
intransitive verb : to have or feel desire
synonyms DESIRE, WISH, WANT, CRAVE, COVET mean to have a longing for. DESIRE stresses the strength of feeling and often implies strong intention or aim (desires to start a new life). WISH sometimes implies a general or transient longing especially for the unattainable (wishes for permanent world peace). WANT specifically suggests a felt need or lack (wants to have a family). CRAVE stresses the force of physical appetite or emotional need (craves sweets). COVET implies strong envious desire (covets his rise to fame).

Dancing
is a vertical
expression
of a horizontal
desire
-Anon

And you who seek to know Me,
know that your seeking and yearning will avail you not,
unless you know the Mystery;
for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself,
you will never find it without.

For behold, I have been with you from the beginning,
and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.
-Charge of the Star Goddess Starhawk

No longer the slave to intensity
I am now the face
Of satisfied
Desire
-Rumi,

Flex Those Muscles

As we walked down to the beach, my daughter said, “Ok, mom, I’m going to want you to remember something.”

I said, “Ok, honey, I’ll try to inscribe it into my little brain.”

“Mom,” she said, a little exasperated, “It’s not your brain that’s little. It’s your bladder.”

Have you done your keogles today?

"But Didn't That Hurt?"

By Western standards, there is nothing ladylike about being tattooed. Standards of acceptable beauty for women still dictate unblemished skin. The female body can be adorned with ear piercings, make up and silicon implants, but any form of decoration that radically challenges main stream beauty standards is sure to raise eyebrows.

 Tattooing is an undeniably strong statement and, for many, a disconcerting display of trauma and ferocity. While some feminists may feel more comfortable with healing circles, new moon rituals and writing exercises designed to draw out the “inner child,” a newer generation of women may relate to the healing process in an altogether different way…it typically marks an important stage in a woman’s life— a process of discovering, exploring and learning on the very surface of the body.

Many women seek out tattoos for altogether joyful reasons—to celebrate ethnic, spiritual or cultural heritages; to mark exciting life transitions or to display lifelong beautification. to dismiss tattoos as a form of self-oppression is to miss out on a fascinating complexity behind each woman’s decision to adorn her body with one or more permanent designs. Much of the time, tattoos on a woman truly says something about her character, her life and her spirit —Silija J. A Talvi in Body Outlaws

On the Book of my Body

I am no longer afraid of mirrors where I see the sign of the amazon, the one who shoots arrows. There is a fine red line across my chest where a knife entered, but now a branch winds about the scar and travels from arm to heart. Green leaves cover the branch, grapes hang there and a bird appears. What grows in me now is vital and does not cause me harm. I think the bird is singing. I have relinquished some of the scars. I have designed my chest with the care given to an illuminated manuscript. I am no longer ashamed to make love. Love is a battle I can win. I have the body of a warrior who does not kill or wound. On the book of my body, I have permanently inscribed a tree. -Deena Metzger

Admission of Guilt

I am the most hippy dippy, crunchy granola, loving & compassionate chick who rescues spiders, lives green, recycles everything, believes in karma, actually practices random acts of kindness, laughs all the way to the bank on purpose, is open hearted, always searching to do the greatest good, and seriously wouldn't hurt a fly.

But I admit it. Each day as I walk to my car, I deliberately step on the snails on the sidewalk, hearing the crunch of the shell under my foot, grinding all my hatred into that one slimy little body as I mutter under my breath, "Shiva, May you be reborn in your highest form and may you have been a lawyer in your past life." I tell ya, lawyers & snails keep me from reaching enlightenment this time around.

Got any good lawyer jokes for me?

Light as a Feather

Ma'at was the Egyptian Goddess of Truth, Justice and Order. Her headdress ostrich feather served as the ultimate arbiter of the goodness of a man's life, and was balanced against a newly deceased person's heart on the scales of justice as a precondition of being permitted to pass into the Afterlife. Those whose hearts were heavy with wicked deeds had their souls devoured immediately by the demigod Ammin. Only those whose were lighter than Ma'at's feather were permitted to pass through into immortality with the Gods.

Is your heart light as a feather, or ready to be devoured by a demigod?

Bag Lady

Here I am
With all my baggage
Here I am
Take me as I am

Here I am
With all my emotional baggage
Here I am
With all of my burdens

Here I am
Complete with all my luggage
Packed with the past
Bursting with stories

Take me as I am
This is how I come, complete
With all my crap, all my stuff
This is what I come with

But I’ve got a grip
Yeah, I’ve got a handle on things
And anything I can’t carry
I just let go
I just let slip

Here I am, with all my baggage
To get me through my trips
Yeah, guilt trips power trips ego trips
I might have a lot of baggage
But at least I’ve got a grip

In my left hand is my heart
Full of sorrow from betrayal
In my right hand is my head
Full of doubts and regrets
And on my back is my burden
Weighing me down with my fears
And in my arms is my child
And a frying pan, and a pen
And in my head is the world
And war and global warming
And in my mind
Is everything I’ve ever done wrong
And in my soul
I struggle to find my song...

But deep down in my front pocket
I’ve got this little zipped up purse
Full of change...

Change of mind
Change of heart
Change of attitude
Change of underwear
Change is my friend, yeah

And it might seem to you
That I have a lot of baggage
But I’ve got a handle on it
Yeah, I’ve got a grip
And anything I can’t hold on to
I just let go,
I just let slip

And now I don't expect you
To take on my baggage
No, I just want you
To pick up your own
Get a handle on it, get a grip

While we walk on this road
While we travel together
Or else we let go
We just let slip

Take me as I am
Even with all my baggage
Take me as I am
Because I’m a package deal...