Thoughts on Work

I just finished reading The Four Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss, which was recommended by one of my colleagues. There are some great ideas and excellent resources in this book, although it does tend to smack of yet another get "new rich" quick scheme. I am well aware that the author is only in his early thirties, and it remains to be seen just how sustainable his finances and lifestyle plan really is in the long run.

I think I would have been more convinced if the author hadn't bragged about winning his kick boxing championship by merely pushing his opponents off the ring, but who am I to look a gift loophole in the mouth. He has an entertaining website complete with worksheets to create your NR (New Rich) lifestyle, blogs & twitters on his latest escapades, which makes me wonder if he's bored without meaningful work to wake up to in the mornings.

I did get a lot out of the 80/20 rule. 80% of your profits come from 20% of your clients - send them love letters, if not chocolate (my advice, not Mr. Ferriss'). 80% of your problems come from 20% of your clients - fire them. Delete them from your mailing lists, etc, stop wasting time, money & effort. I can't tell you how good it has felt to fire a few of my clients, especially when I calculate the emotional price I have paid.

I loved Mr. Ferriss' break down on minimizing emails and his advice to simply avoid as many meetings as possible, and have switched as much of my work to be more remote as well as to create a more mobile & efficient work environment. Already my life is simpler. Now if I could only get my virtual assistant to take my mother out to lunch instead of me, my life would be perfect.

Spirit Razor

Today

I tattooed passion
Across my chest
Feeding my heart
My hummingbirds
And double happiness

The needle skipped over my ribs
Close to the bone
The pain shot up my arm
Like the symptoms of a heart attack

Spirit Razor
Inscribing my flesh
With the passion of a Christ
At least Jesus loves me

Later I pruned the dead azalea
Cut out the faded bamboo
Encouraged the jade
To stay succulent

I ripped apart the mattress
Soaked with the sweat
Of death and nightmares
Back to the earth
It is the time of Virgo

I sort through the chaff
And harvest my abundance
I am discriminating
And I am Whole
Unto Myself
Today

kgr, August 2004

Fifty Percent

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

Every Breath is a Gift

For almost two months now, I have been struggling for my health. Specifically, I've been struggling to get a breath. Ever since my birthday, when I was dealt a double emotional wallop, I have been doing everything in my power to regain my balance.

Every muscle hurts, as every cell feels starved for oxygen, and a deep depression has set in, seeing as Zumba has been out of the question. I felt blown off by my doctor, as I desperately tried to refill my Albuterol prescription, my quick relief in a crisis; yet stuck in a financial bind concerning the standard protocol to control asthma, as I can't afford the prescription, which costs more than 10% of my monthly income. And I'm talking about just the copay.

I was diagnosed with asthma before the age of two. For the first 14 years of my life, I was constantly in & out of the doctor's office, being tested for this, tested for that, coming up positive to all 80 allergens. I used an inhaler four times a day, had weekly shots, countless other pills, potions, supplements & syrups, and the most hated of all, "Strong Man Medicine" which I think consisted of some dreadful combination of brewers yeast and black strap molasses.

After moving to Santa Cruz some twenty years ago, I have switched to using herbs & acupuncture, yoga & meditation to control my asthma. Everything seemed fine until the moth spraying last year, when all hell broke loose in my lung cavity. I took the cortical-steroids for a winter, but harbored a deep cough all last year, as well as being concerned about developing thrush & other related side effects. Then we had the wild fires here in California, and everyones bronchial tubes have been compromised. To add to the mix, I put 4 ribs out overextending myself in some African dance move during Zumba; my sweet sister moved in with her lovely, but incredibly long haired, Siamese cat, and my trigger happy histamines have been throwing a party in my bloodstream ever since.

Asthma is a complex disability. An invisible disability, it has kept me from doing so many "normal" things, from mowing the lawn to petting the ponies at the zoo to playing hockey at PE. There are so many triggers, that like migraines, it is a combination that will set off an attack, as well as dictate the severity. Environmental allergens, pet hair, dust, detergents play there part, but so does stress and the emotional component. Melissa Etheridge sings in my head,

Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

My voice shook and I teared as I informed my daughter of my current condition, not wanting to worry her, but needing to be real. Quite simply, I have never felt just so plain scared. There is nothing like the feeling of not being able to breathe. Of waking up in the middle of the night, drowning in my own fluids. Of the tight constrictive band that is my lungs. Of the rattling wheeze as I drive home as fast as I can to reach my inhaler. I talked to her about my fears as well as my current health plan. She put her tender arms around my neck, leaned her forehead against mine and just whispered, "It's going to be okay, Mom. I know you're good taking care of yourself."

6 weeks of hell feeling welded into an iron corset, and now I'm getting better. I owe a huge debt to my acupuncturist, who treated me weekly, cupping my back until huge bruises blossomed, drawing out stagnant chi. She gave me the most intense treatments - Four Horsemen in the thighs, and Three Scholars in my forearms. For the first time ever I bruised from the needles. For the rest of the week I would massage the plum blossoms on my forearm, pretending I was massaging my lungs instead.

She put me on an intensive herbal regime to clear my mucous & build up my blood, including herbs such as Clear Mountain Air and Allerplex, which is some bovine lung extract. Sounds icky, but boy do I feel better. Also Vitamin C and Calcium Lactate. Each day I would feel less underwater, visualizing in my mind's eye fresh spring growth on the end of a huge tree, my bronchial tubes growing stronger every day. I steam cleaned all the carpets, changed the furnace filters, banned the cat's from the bedroom, and even (gasp) stopped drinking for awhile. Clean living indeed.

Just now read your blog
I must be the stupidest
Woman on the earth.

Asthma is a psychosomatic illness, and I have definitely felt the psycho. My last lover contacted me, saying the situation had changed. Then I opened Pandora's box and read on their blog all about their current new love affairs. I felt all the hope crushed out of me, worse than being stoned alive. In Chinese Medicine, they say grief is kept in the lungs, and all I have felt for the last two months is this deep sadness, of that part of me that is dying. The part that is dead. I dance with Kali Ma again.

In the Daughters of the Moon tarot, the Heirophant is replaced by the Oppression card. A woman is stoned to death outside her hut. I went to a counselor to get help in casting off my own stones that have been crushing my heart: deep shame, regret and remorse, compromise, self doubt, and the biggest stone of them all: guilt. The Heirophant is the false priest, but what has slayed me most was false hope.

Neptune, that lovely planet of fog & veils, of disappointment and disillusionment, has finally turned direct in Aquarius, which for me is in my house of relationships. I called my Reiki teacher for a distance healing. When she asked me to set an intent, it was quite simply, "Clarity." Each day I pray, may this fog of despair be lifted, may I see a new day ahead. Let me no longer be under an illusion, let me have fresh vision instead. Let my lessons be more gentle, and let my teachers be kinder. And let every breath be a gift.

Blessed be.

Peace through Friendships

Romantic Notions Series
"Peace"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

Heart Chakra

Balance

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

Another Day

Today

I am going to take care of myself
I am going to drink good, strong coffee
I am going to feed myself

It is raining, so
The garden is watered

I am at Herland
I will take care of this beautiful space
And enjoy these last few days

I make my list
For this afternoon:

Go to the batting cages
To practice having fun

And all the way to the bank
I will be laughing

Then to New Leaf
Buy more good food
To feed my body

Afterwards to Logos
for more good books
To feed my head

Go by the stereo place
To fix my amplifier
Music feeds my soul

Call John the Mechanic
To fix my fuses
So I can signal
My intentions

Today's affirmation:
I have plenty of time
And every moment counts

I always take the time
To put myself first
And do what’s right for me

June 2004

Right Now

Hope

Rosa sat so that Martin could walk,
Martin walked so that Barak could run,
Barak ran so that our children can fly.

V: The Palinophant

Lynn Araujo from Us Games Systems, Inc recently contacted me to point out that someone has noticed an uncanny resemblance between Sarah Palin and a card from their Vanessa Tarot deck. She writes,

The coincidences are overwhelming- the hair, the glasses, the red suit, the religious fashion accessories all mirror Sarah's look. And of course the religious connotations of the Hierophant card itself are rather fitting too. This deck was published over 2 years ago and was created by a Filipino artist so it was certainly not intentional. We're really struck by how prophetic this all seems. We'll have to wait and see what's really 'in the cards'.

The Hierophant has many interpretations, from the False Priest to The Sage Prophet to Coyote, the Trickster. According to the Wikipedia, "The card stands for religion and orthodox theology, as well as representing traditional education, the “Man of high social standing”. These interpretations merely scratch the surface of the card, however. The Pope card also represents the Biblical story of God’s creation of man and woman. Likewise, he is frequently most associated with the Deceiver and Power over others."

On the other hand, according to the Aeclectic Tarot, we may well learn from this card:

The Fool tells the Hierophant his fears, and asks how he can be free of them.

"There are only two ways," says the Hierophant sagely, "Either give up that which you fear to lose so it no longer holds any power over you, or consider what you will still have if your fear comes to pass. After all," the Hierophant continues, "if you did lose all you'd built, you would still keep the experience and knowledge that you've gained up to this point, wouldn't you?"

I still believe in free will & free choice, and that the cards are reflective more than prophetic. If seeing Sarah reflected as the Palinophant helps some folks to wake up & vote for change, then I say blessed, blessed be.

Love

Romantic Notions Series
"Divine Love"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

Kuan Yin

Today

 I Have good boundaries

Durga guards my Achilles heal
I ride the tiger of success
I have battled my demons
And I fiercely protect myself

*** I place myself beyond the reach
of all who would destroy me
all who tries to wound me***

I am the Unapproachable
Unreproachable
Nothing can get at me
That I do not willingly let in

I dance my dance of oneness
Only with what and who supports me
Nurtures me
Loves me
I am shielded by my own skin
I choose what to let in

I nurture wholeness
By creating and fixing
The limits of my personal space
I have clear boundaries
As an expression
Of Self Love

I love
My Self

June 2004

Face

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

Satisfied Desire

The angel of

Purification came to me

I am no longer
the slave to intensity

Instead I am

The face
Of satisfied desire

June 2004

Faery Greetings

Romantic Notions Series
"Faery Greetings"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

Child

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

Marie Laveau

I heal my voice
I heal my heart
I speak my truth
First and foremost unto myself
I sing the words
of Afia Walkingtree:

I am Alive
I am Beautiful
I can do anything
I put my heart and love in to...

Marie Laveau
Queen of Voodoo
Lives in my helpful people corner

I honor her with
Two black feathers
For the Raven’s nest in the east
Red and pink candles
For Romance and Passion in the south
Two white cowrie shells
For Yoni love in the West
A black velvet pouch
filled with love herbs in the North

I cut the red tape
And write my respectful request
On a parchment scroll
Pay with blessed money
And seal the spell with wax

As Venus goes direct
This is the center
As above, so below

She smiles at me, arms crossed
Chanticleer and red medicine pouch
Papa Legba and Zombi the snake
Gentle Jesus and Fierce Gabriel
The magic of New Orleans
Mother, Healer, Priestess, Consoler, Counselor
Your legacy lives on...

June 2004

Patience

The Future

Romantic Notions Series
"The Future"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

My Life Sucks

"Hi Bella, how are you?" My mom's Swedish accent sounding in my ear as I cradled the phone.

"Well, Mom, the good news is: I've fallen in love. The bad news is..."

I love my mom. Both herand my dad have been the epitome of tolerance and acceptance throughout my eclectic love life, which has ranged from my boyfriend living with us when I was a teenager to my fierce lesbian separatist days in my twenties to being with a female to male transsexual in my thirties.

"Mom, I've fallen in love with the Miele."

Yes, it was true. My mom had left her Miele vacuum cleaner at my house for 6 months while she packed up her house on the East Coast before moving to California. It was worth more than my current car. Candy red, hummed like a well tuned Lamborghini, and boy, can that machine clean!

I think I'm going to start a new movement: Appliance Love. We all know how attached some folks are to their cell phones and lap tops, let alone the Hitachi, but it is time to start coming out from the utility closet and declare our truths. Some of us have longer, more meaningful relationships with our household friends than with humans.

I see parades going down Pacific Avenue, led by the Precision-Drill Dust-Buster Squad, followed by the Microwave Marching Band, and of course, the Automatic Coffee Pot float will be one of the main attractions. I'll be Grand Marshall, my Miele beside me as we cruise in a well decorated convertible, throwing replacement filters into the cheering crowd. Everyone will chant, "2, 4, 6, 8... Take your fax machine on a date!"

Next we'll petition governments for the right to marry. I mean, there's domestic partners & then there is DOMESTIC partners, right? "To have and to hold, from this day forward, until death or the end of the warranty do us part..."

I made the gross mistake of attempting non monogamy with my Miele. Yes, I admit it - I let my housemate touch her hose, fondle her attachments, and (gasp!) change her bag. Now, I love and trust my housemate to the core, but my whole world shifted when I heard those words, "It just doesn't seem to be picking up like it used to..."

So yesterday I sat out on the back deck and took the Miele apart. Five years of accumulated cat fur, dust, threads and hair had worked its way in every conceivable crack, corner and crevice. I used screwdrivers, scissors, exacto knives and two different kinds of tweezers to lure the secrets out of my Miele. Who knows, maybe I'll try my own brain surgery next.


At a certain point my daughter came out onto the deck. She surveyed the vacuum cleaner parts spread methodically over the deck, my deep plum velvet skirt covered in grey lint, the look of glee in my eyes as I snapped open this and screwed shut that. She listened to me prattle on about how much money I had just saved by spending hours of my time doing this.

"Mom," she said in her funny drawl, "You are all the husband you will ever need."

Afterwards, I took the Miele upstairs to clean out the furnace for a test run. That's when I thought, my life sucks. But in a good way.

Appliance Love:
Have you Loved your Appliance Today?

My Kooky House

The running joke in our household is,
"People with no TV - what should we paint tonight, dear?"

I love my kooky house. A few projects: My mom I ripped up the carpet in the front room and discovered hardwood floors. Three days of us sanding and staining, and it looks gorgeous. There are 1300 origami cranes hanging from the ceiling in the back room. My first attempt at stenciling was in the study, a border of roses that took a kajillion years to complete.

Almost every room is sponged in three or four colors. We tiled the kitchen floor ourselves, and the I did the stain glass as well. What can I say about the coral reef bathroom - Yes, we even painted the toilet! I beaded close to a hundred crystals, that dance in every window. I discovered glass paints, and have transformed all the light fixtures, as well as the kitchen cabinets. The cloth lampshades have been tie-dyed and beaded.

The backyard was completely empty when I moved in, back in 1994. Now it's filled with locust trees, geraniums, hibiscus, roses, jasmine, trumpet vine, passion vine, Mexican sage, lavender, and hummingbirds galore. There are sunflowers painted on house, along with dragonflies and butterflies. And there are roses in January!

I even painted Tafy, my beloved 1985 Honda, which I recently sold after 19 years.

All is Well

I am here

from your future

to tell you:

You survived this.

All is well.

I love you.

You made the right decisions.

Where to Begin

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

Validation

Everyday I know
I am okay
because I get
Instant Approval
from the
Visa/Mastercard machine

Equinox 2004

Thoughts on Moderation

Throw moderation to the winds,
and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains.
- Democritus

In one of my money meditations that I teach, there is the part:

I am wise with my money. I dedicate part to pay off my debts easily and effortlessly; part for my savings, which I then invest and watch grow; and the remainder I live on in comfort and moderation. I am now in a position to bless money as it goes out to pay my bills and pleasures, knowing it will return threefold.

Folks really resist that word, moderation. It's interesting to see them balk - no, I want EVEN MORE MORE MORE so I can live in lavish, luxurious excess!

It is exactly this greedy attitude that keeps folks in a constant struggle to feel rich, no matter what their current income or standard of living. We live in an age of American Obesity, of the 59 cent Happy Meal, where we are encouraged to "Super Size it" - is it any wonder people shudder at the thought of moderation? But what of it's opposite - excess?

Do you over eat, over drink, over work, over spend, over sleep, over do it or over extend yourself? Are you over sexed or are over sex? Are you over weight, over anxious, over limit, or over time? Are you just over it?

It is through moderation that we can nourish our financial dreams and plan for a comfortable future, rather than living in a need for constant, over indulgence as personified by microwave brownies (remember that commercial for instant, total, gratification, yeah! Ick.) Notice that in the meditation there is the affirmation of living in comfort, of paying for one's bills & pleasures. Moderation is not about denial. Living under one's means is just as stultifying as living over them.

Do you feel under stress, under strain, under duress, under paid, under fed, under nourished, under appreciated, under rug swept or just like the under dog? Under the weather or just under the wire? Under someone's thumb?

A visit to the Wikipedia brings these insights: Moderation is the process of eliminating or lessening extremes. It is used to ensure normality throughout the medium on which it is being conducted. Moderation is also a principle of life. In ancient Greece, the temple of Apollo at Delphi bore the inscription Meden Agan - Nothing in Excess. Then again, Horace Porter reminds us Be moderate in everything, including moderation.

Ask your self this - do you control your money, or does your money control you? Moderation is a simple technique anyone can master, be it a moderate diet or moderate budget. Balance is key, rather than swinging pendulum like to the extremes. Practice balance in your steps, balance in your breath, balance your diet, balance your checkbook, balance in your mind, balance work & play, and remember:

Everything in moderation - but don't miss a thing. -Anon

Sketch: Bank Of K
kgr 2008

Taking The Plunge

We were a colorful group that morning, the five of us; Chris, with her cat glasses and multiple facial piercings; Elijah (aka Lije), looking like the long red haired six foot elf that he is; my new friends - Katie and Rennick, family members of the Smiling Iguana Cafe; and me, you know me... a tattooed, spiky haired dyke who apparently lives under the bookstore counter at Herland. We were off to Skydive Hollister for Chris birthday, a fifteen thousand foot jump with 70 seconds of free fall at 120 miles per hour... It was a good day to die.


Chris, Elijah, Katie and I signed up for tandem jumps while Rennick was going to perform his first solo flight. The training for the four of us was simple: first we watched a half hour video on how & why we had to waive our rights away, as this was still considered an “experimental way” to go parachuting despite tens of thousands of successful jumps over the decade. Second we signed a ten page form to show we understood the risks, and we wouldn’t sue these nice people who make a living by jumping out of air crafts. Then we had to actually write out the sentence “I understand I could be seriously injured or die” and sign it. Lastly, I handed over my credit card (taking charge of my life) and everything became very surreal...

We watched a video made only half an hour before with the guy who had just performed his first jump. His enthusiasm was contagious, and we clustered around the monitor with as nervous excitement. In tandem jumping you are actually buckled to your flight instructor, who wears the chute, pulls the rip cord, and does the landing. Our instructions were simple: Start with your arms crossed and once you are clear of the plane, arch your back, spread your arms, and it’s “1,2,3... kick your own butt!” This puts your legs up between the instructors, who can actually grab you & move you if need be. After 70 seconds of free fall, the instructor opens the chute, and you have about a ten minute glide to the jump, where a van shuttles you back to the airport.

Tension was building and we were cracking jokes at a furious pace, the energy beginning to sparkle. To our dismay, we were not all going to jump together, as was originally planned (apparently the rubber band in the big airplane had snapped). Instead we split up into teams and went to get our gear. I pulled on my black and turquoise flight suit and buckled on my harness, feeling like Devo goes butch. Meanwhile Elijah had brought along his favorite fuzzy friend, Ducky, who was lovingly tucked into his flight suit, with just the head sticking out. We were introduced to our flight masters: Elijah was teamed up with Mike, a white haired grinning lunatic, who was talking a mile a minute. I was teamed up with Doug, who was wearing a red flannel flight suit with little pictures of Mighty Mouse all over it, with blue flight pants spangled with big white stars. I loved Doug in that moment.
 
Mike explained that because you are so high, you no longer have a fear of heights or of falling. It’s not the thrill of the roller coaster, with the ground rushing up at you. Skydiving is the experience of great velocity, a pure adrenaline rush. Doug said, “There are two things you need to do: First, trust me. I am the man who is going to save your life as you plummet to the earth at one hundred and twenty miles per hour. Second, take care of yourself - when you are falling that fast, your body can’t even comprehend what is happening, except it feels like deep, deep sea diving. So some people forget to breathe. Simply breathe. And your ears will clog, and if you don’t unclog them, it will really hurt when you reach the ground, so remember to clear your ears. Other than that, it’s 1,2,3, kick your own butt.”

We walked out to our plane, a small Cessna I think, and began swapping stories. Doug asked me why I was jumping. Good question. I am recently divorced, and my ex-partner and I used to compare our relationship to the metaphor of jumping into the abyss, blind. We use this metaphor each time we took new risks in our relationship. The last time we jumped into the void of uncertainty, my love flew away and I was smashed on the rocks below; my spirit flayed worse than Hypatia - I had taken the leap of faith and lost everything, had felt destroyed. Broken hearted, I began to rebuild my life, beginning with a shift in paradigm: This time, I was jumping into the clear blue sky, my eyes wide open, with a fucking parachute on. I was ready to kick my own butt.
 
We packed into the small plane tuna fish style: Doug and I tucked in the back with Lije and Mike crammed into the front, ready to go first. The batteries in the plane were dead, just to add to the tension, but after some coaxing our trusty pilot lifted us up into the air. We circled over Hollister, and I watched everything shrink before my eyes, like looking down on that toy train set from when I was eight years old. I felt in a state of complete disbelief, the anticipation building in my chest and belly, as I looked at the tiny blue dots of swimming pools, the scurrying of cars.

Doug asked, “What are you thinking?” And being the good lesbian witch from Santa Cruz, of course I tell him about my last tarot reading, and pulling Obatala, whose message is, “just lean on my shoulder and I will take care of you.” I thought of my father, who came and planted roses with me during my healing time. I thought of my mother, whose stomach would turn if she could see me now.


Ok, tensions mounting, we’ve gained altitude, we start strapping this and buckling that, adjusting this, adjusting that, put on our goggles, the door is up, the noise is HUGE. Mike and Lije are in position, they are counting, counting, but Lije is NOT ready! I see Lije’s knuckles fiercely white against the door frame, while Mike is trying to pry them loose. The pilot is punching him in the arm yelling, “You can’t miss the jump! You can’t miss the jump!” And an instant later, they’re gone. Doug and I move into position, and I am basically sitting on his lap in front of the open door, the wind whipping past my face, my feet dangling in front of nothing, the ground far, far below. It was a moment suspended, of complete surrender, there was no turning back. Doug said again, “What are you thinking?” And I said, “On the ground you told me to do two things. Trust You and Take Care of MySelf. That is how I will do every one of my relationships from now on!” He said, “One, Two, Three...”

There is no way to describe the tumbling rush as I flipped and turned, the earth above me, the sky below. I was a ball of confusion hurtling through space, and then I spread my wings. I arched my back and felt my arms grow wide enough to embrace the whole world. My eyes were wide open, my heart was eide open, my mouth was wide open — I could breathe, in fact I was breathing deep lung fulls, my blood pounding, the wind singing in my ears.
 
I heard a little voice at the back of my head, “Isn’t this better than sex?!” It’s Doug! Doug yelling over the deafening roar. I had completely forgotten about Doug, the chute, the plane, Lije, any letting go rituals I had intended to perform. I had let go of it all. I had let go. It was an ecstatic moment. I was touching god. I was Alive...

I heard the little voice say, “I’m going to release the chute now!” and with a gentle tug I was launched into serenity. The chute pulled me up, up and I realized that funny noise was me laughing, laughing hysterically, laughing louder than I ever have before. I am flying, I am gliding, I am completely free. I can see the ocean, I can see the tips of the Sierra’s peeking through the fog, I can see Santa Cruz. I can see the little houses getting bigger. I can see Lije floating below me in a slow spiral towards the jump strip. Everything is extremely peaceful, and we can talk in conversational tones. I am enthralled. Doug moves the controls into my view and I can slip my hands in. Now I can swoop and dip, plunge and dive. I feel a tumbling buoyancy and an overall giddiness as I soar through the air. Too soon, it is over.

Landing was no more than keeping my legs raised until Doug touched down, then taking a few steps forward. We clicked out of the harnesses, then Lije and I were hugging everyone, jumping up and down, in the middle of a great open field. We said goodbye to Doug and Mike, who shuttled back to the airport with our chutes, while we waited for the rest of our tribe to make their jumps. Lije and I watched the full moon rise, as our friends floated in, the hills a pale yellow in that perfect moment when night is falling. We had found a random roll of bright orange tape, the kind used to mark off construction sites, and our exuberance burst forth as we decorated ourselves with headbands and wristlets, ribbons and badges to mark today’s initiation, our passage as warriors who jump out of the sky. We were a colorful group, fierce and proud. We had been prepared to die today, and instead we found ourselves wonderfully, incredibly Alive. we had seized the moment, we had lived with intention, we had kicked our own butts.

(First published in La Gazette, Santa Cruz, September 1997)

Zumba!

Hey lookee! That's me in the pigtails!
Zumba!

Kicking Ass

8:08

Make a wish!

It's 8:08 on 08/08/08!

Thoughts on Online Dating

My dad surprised me last year by gifting me with a laptop. "'Chela," he says, in his Italian accent, "You know, you are a professional now - and you need professional tools."

Tools? How about TOYS!

Wow, I finally get it, at the ripe age of 41, how fun the net can be. Take a moment to consider that I am this radical feminist, crunchy granola, hippie dippie chick living in Santa Cruz, who hasn't watched TV in almost 11 years, and finally got her first cell phone. I am actually quite computer savvy, using the ones at work, but I have been technologically reluctant for years, to say the least.

I kinda just tinkered around at first, but after a couple of months I become addicted to Best of Craigs List. It was like waking up laughing every morning, but it sucked the time right out of my clock, and I finally had to limit myself to reading 10 posts a day, until I had read all of them. It's a good thing Post Secret is weekly - but I avoid the comments page or it could become daily.

I had always felt cynical about online dating, but of course, still checked the basics. First I did the mainstream: Match, Yahoo, Craigs. I went more queer for awhile, then became more risque, checking out alternative adult sites. Let's make that a hippie dippie kinky chick. Then I was over sex sites & "got serious" with some pagan & eHarmony type sites.

Much to my delight, I did find my true love on line - blogging - so maybe online dating has it's place. On one site, after receiving literally 10,000 hits on my profile, 7,000 hits on my blog, some crazy ass amount of emails (400?) from lonely men (which I faithfully answered, even if just to wish them good luck), a dozen excellent emails from women (with whom I'm still corresponding) my ego felt huge. What an endorphin rush! At the peak of my madness I had five or six different blogs, let alone commenting on 10-12 blogs per day, literally spending hours on the computer, until I developed bloggers elbow. I kid you not. It was painful. But dang, I loved the mental connection.

In real time, I went out with a couple of women, three men, and had one complete no-show (but a great day ice-skating in San Jose). What I really learned was how many lonely people are out there - and that we all need companionship, intimacy & affection. One of my affirmations: I am here to give love and I am here to receive love.

Thoughts create reality, but the internet projects those thoughts a thousand fold. I'm over the dating sites and I've deleted all my profiles, all my past blogs, though I'm sure they're archived somewhere in the blogosphere. Hopefully they'll make someone smile a thousand years in the future. While I definitely met someone special on the internet, I know myself, and it'll be awhile before I fish in those waters again.

Instead I spend my online time working on my business, joining LinkedIn (which has been a fun experiment), now using ConstantContact for my emails, or my own websites, like Rambling Rose Studios. I have more Herland memoribilia I plan on posting soon. I was recently invited to join FaceBook and Classmates, and have the same endorphin rush reconnecting from folks from my past, including old loves I thought would never speak to me again. Time really does heal all wounds.

What I enjoyed about dating sites was creating a profile - of defining who I am, what I'm looking for, etc., as well as blogging, feeling that part of the community - hence being on Blogger. While I haven't joined blogaholics anonymous yet ( I am powerless before the blog) I am following a path of online moderation, and now just have two that I still post on daily Enchanted World and it's little sister, Cruzio's mini blog: Tendrils of Belief.

So, I love my laptop, I love blogging, and I love feeling connected. That's what I've learned from online dating. And I give myself (you know it): Gold Star.



Blessed be.

Deathaversaries

Today is one of my deathaversaries. Do you have those? They're not anniversaries, where you celebrate another year accomplished. Instead, they're the days where you say, "We would have been together x amount of years today..."

Deathaversaries note of course physical deaths, but also the more intangibles - buy outs, divorces, disappointments. I was always aware that my wedding day was on Hiroshima day, and we dedicated the day to peace by affirming our small act of love in the face of such huge destruction. Later, we broke up on Hong Kong's Independence day - I always thought of it as a time where I too, would no longer feel colonized.

What is my petty problems compared to the bombings of Nagasaki & Hiroshima? I sit and fold a peace crane, creasing the floral paper carefully, concentrating on aligning corners and creating sharp edges. I know in this moment I am doing the best I can, and my only prayer today is, "Let peace begin with me."

It's in Your Hands

In these hands be ceaseless action

Bringing me wealth & satisfaction
-Asterius

Today I received a hand analysis by life coach Denise Diani-Friedman. As an astrologer, it was trippy to me how much it corresponded to not just my natal chart, but my current transits. Quite simply, I am in my Uranus opposition, otherwise known as the mid life crisis. And I have been crying, "Isis! Isis! Queen Mother of all Nurtures, hear my cries!"

I am questioning everything, and feeling tested on all sides. I feel in a fog, and again in the simplest terms lost. "Well, K," I say to my self, since it's only me here anyway, "Get a map. Get a guide. Set your intentions. Find your stride."
Much like any tarot reading, or astrology reading for that matter, Denise didn't tell me anything new - she just affirmed what I already know, but it was so good to hear it from another perspective, another view point. She had a great tree chart, complete with life lesson, life purpose, and transformational path. It was really interesting, and I highly recommend her services.

I discovered I have a peacock in my moon and a star in my Neptune. But what was most interesting to me, was on one hand (literally), out in the world, I am Big Heart - "Let me be the one to care for you", whether I am the master or the student, well, let's just say it fluctuates between nurturer & burn out from giving too much. Life lesson, you know...

On the other hand, in my inner world, I am the Hermit (Heroic/Stoic), summarized by "The commitment/freedom conflict; may put off making a decision because s/he doesn't want to lose freedom of choice and knows when a commitment is made, it will be kept." Sound familiar to anyone else?

So what am I right doing now? Bringing my hands together in prayer, mapping my future & charting my destiny. I know my happiness is in my own two hands.

Today's Affirmation

I am Balanced in my Heart:

I am here to give Love


I am here to receive Love

Happy Lammas!

.

My daughter just got her first period!

Wow!

I remember Nikki Mardigras was the first girl in the sixth grade to get hers, and my first thought was, "Wow, now she could get pregnant." I would watch her from across the room in some unknown terror, as if just thinking about it could somehow knock her up.

I remember mine - not pretty. I had just moved back to America in January of Ninth grade, when I was 15. I bled so hard I left a puddle on the chair in French class. I remember the metallic smell. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. I had the worst cramps, to the point of being prescribed codeine, which I discovered I'm allergic to. Barfing & cramping is not a winning combination.

So now my daughter gets hers, and I think, "Wow, I could be a Grandmother!"

Fresh start

At 7:30 this morning, I walked in to Coffeetopia for my daily cup o' joe. When I got to the counter, the big urn had just run out. "Just a minute" said my favorite barrista, deftly popping on a fresh batch in it's stainless steel container on the hot plate.
I meandered over to the condiments bar - this time the half & half was out. "Wow. Looks like my day to run out." I thought to myself. Immediately I caught my own negative thinking - what a way to sabotage my whole day, starting this early in the morning!

I plopped the pitcher on the counter and smiled over at the staff for a refill. I waited as he pulled the chilled creamer from the fridge. I said, "Looks like my day for a fresh start!"

Remember, don't accept the dregs of life - wait for the freshness instead!

Dragonfly Faery

Romantic Notions Series
"Dragonfly Faery"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

Skunk Medicine

Last night I went downstairs to get a glass of wine after finishing my presentation for this evening. There, on the deck, calmly eating the cat food, was a big black and white skunk. "Hmm," I thought to myself, "In the Medicine Cards, skunk represents attract what you need in order to grow."

My littlest kitten ran out, sniffed noses with my new friend, and promptly was greeted with a ripe behind, tail a twitching. While she didn't get sprayed, the smell has been lingering over the back deck.

I breathe deep, imagining PePe le Pew in all of his romantic conquests, wondering what will happen next...

Seedling

I am deeply curled within
The seed of my possibilities
The waters make me tender
As I establish my roots
I trust the light of the sun
Even as I push through this darkness
To greet my unfolding self.

kgr, Spring 2005

Be Something

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

Your reputation

Your reputation
always exceeds you, today's
fortune cookie says

Double Roses

My heart is in my throat
And in my heart is a rose
It's roots go through my solar plexus
All the way down my toes...

It goes past my vision
Reaching for the sun
A double rose blooms
Now just as one...

Purest Love

Little Plastic Castles

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful fish.
For twelve long years, she lived inside a fishbowl.
While she enjoyed being admired, she was lonely and often felt bored.
Even the little plastic castle seemed dull.
One day her prayers were answered, and she returned home to her tropical seas.

Create/Release

Romantic Notions Series
"Create: Release Your Imagination"
Hand watercolored design
copyright kgr 2003

Beautiful Ugly Advice

Desire

Attraction

Fire on the Mountain

BONNY DOON - The Martin Fire, which erupted not far from the Bonny Doon Fire Station just before 3 p.m. Wednesday, had consumed about 700 acres late Wednesday and is expected to grow to 1,500 acres before it's controlled, Cal Fire officials said. -Santa Cruz Sentinel

Driving home from work yesterday along route one, I noticed the plume of orangy grey clouds in the sky. "Hmm, fog doesn't usually come from the mountains" I thought, "Looks almost like a fire." By the time I reached the intersection with route 9, traffic had stopped to let firetrucks through. I was amazed not to smell any smoke, as we could after the Corralitos fire three weeks ago.

Arriving home I went online to find the story and google map the situation, feeling a rising panic in my chest. My house mate returned home early from her job at UCSC, and we started making evacuation plans. I went and looked at my earthquake kit, and we laughed as I pulled out the world's tiniest fire extinguisher, "We're safe now!"

I walked around the house in a slight daze, wondering what to pack. The cat carriers came down first, a quick travel bag of my essential medications, rustled through all my secret money magic stashes for cash, backed up both computers, and stuffed my briefcase with important papers, ie house insurance!

I had planned on going roller skating, but when my friend called I was too freaked out and canceled. I kept going from room to room watching the smoke in the sky, then sitting at the laptop trying to figure out how fast was it really spreading. I felt sick and shaken to the core, pacing back & forth to the bathroom until I finally threw up.

"Get grip, KayKay, take a chill pill" the voice in my head told me, so I called my friend back to at least have some distraction. We ended up walking to Natural Bridges and back, using up all of my nervous energy. The wind had died down considerably after the sunset, and I began to feel more grounded.

I went to bed late, getting up several times in the night to look out the window & check the internet. At dawn, I could see the cloud of smoke just sitting on the mountain, but could find no updates.

After the Corralitos fire I wrote a prayer for all the bugs & wildlife that died, but I couldn't find it this morning for my blog, so here I am just rambling on instead. It's now 7:13 and I can hear fire engines and dogs barking, not a winning combination for early morning tranquility.

Pray for the bugs, my friends, and all the displaced beings, human & otherwise, who lost their homes in the wildfires this summer.

Blessed be.

Arise

From the Altar Egos Series:
"Positive Affirmations to Heal a Nation"
Copyright kgr 2004

Now available from www.cafepress.com/ramblingrose